6 secrets to keep the desire alive

Good morning! Before you read this I would like to mention that this is a text heavy post, but contains a very informative text. Implementing some or more of the below into your relationship will without a doubt spark new light into the relationship and/or maintain what's already there. Take your time, reflect, review your relationship and notice what you think and feel while reading. If I hit a nerve or two, it's time to make a change. - Be the Palm Tree

Most of you have experienced nature's greatest high in life; falling in love. Being so madly in love all you want to do is be with that person and all you can do is think about that person. You want to feel that person, know everything, learn and listen, breathe him in, taste her lips. Be close, make passionate love, kiss for hours at a time, never tired of having the one you're so deeply in love with as close as even possible. You talk for hours on the phone when you're apart and when you're together nothing else in the universe exists but the two of you.

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If you've experienced this high, you probably know a few things about the low part of it all. Dying passion, decreased desire and the painful break up.

Why does good sex fade? Why does desire decrease? Why do you fall out of love? What is the connection between love and desire where both is dependent on each other to survive? How do love and desire connect and how do they conflict?

In love you want to have your loved one close and you want to know everything there is to know. You want to minimize the distance and be together all the time. You want to close any gap in-between. You want to neutralize any tension. You want to stay close.

In desire you tend to not always keep the interest in going back to places you've already been. Desire is like the excitement you feel of crossing a bridge not knowing what's on the other side of it. In desire you don't want to know everything, you want mystery. In desire you need space. You can look at desire like a burning flame. A flame needs air to live, just like desire needs space to live. So there's a paradox in love and desire. Love needs connection and closeness and desire needs separateness and space. Neither love or desire can live without the other so in order to maintain love and desire, you need to understand the complexity of this paradox and incorporate the coming knowledge into your relationship.

When do we feel most drawn to our partner?

1. Separateness and imagination
2. Self-sustainability and mystery
3: Novelty to spark freshness
4: Aggressiveness and openness
5: Predictable yet unpredictable

6: Closeness and freedom

1. Separateness and imagination

"Imagination and anticipation is the mortar to desire." - Esther Perel

What does that even mean? Imagination and anticipation holds desire together as mortar holds bricks together in a brick wall. In other words, it's necessary for desire not to collapse.

During a study of erotic intelligence, one of the questions people were asked was this: "When do you feel most drawn to you partner?"

Answer: "When my partner is away and when I reunite with my partner."
Conclusion; separateness is a major factor in desire.

Why is this so important? What happens when you're apart from your partner? You get to use your imagination! You get back in touch with your ability to imagine yourself with your partner when you're away. When your imagination comes back in the picture and you can root that imagination to longing for and missing your partner, you experience a major component of desire. Therefore, separateness to spark imagination is essential to keep the desire alive. Without separateness, you don't get the time and space to imagine anything, because you're always around each other.

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Another important factor in separateness is seeing your partner as a separate union. Your man/woman is not you. You might feel like you're "one" and that your partner completes you, but here again - the paradox. In love it's an absolute necessity to feel as one, but in desire, you need to know and understand that the partner is an absolute separate unit from you. They're their own person and are actually always in a position to leave you if they want to. The discomfort of knowing this reality maintains a desire.

2: Self-sustainability and mystery

Seeing your partner radiate confidence is probably the biggest turn on across the board. Most of us are attracted to confident people. Combine great confidence with a humble and humoristic personality traits and you have a champ when it comes to seductive charm.

When do you look at your partner with desire?
"When I see my partner confident."
"When I see my partner passionate about something."
"When I see my partner in his or her element."
"When I see my partner being social."
"When I see my partner surrounded by people who are drawn to or attracted to him/her."

In the beginning of a relationship you will look at each other with desire all the time, no matter the distance, nose to nose or across the room. With time, that changes. After years together the desire in your eyes will fade. It's when you look at you partner from a comfortable distance, doing something as mentioned above you will look at their partner and know that this person, who is already so familiar, so known, is momentarily somewhat mysterious again. In that space, between familiarity and mystery lays the erotic élan. Élan meaning enthusiasm.

"Mystery is not about travelling to new places, it's about seeing with different eyes." - Esther Perel

When you see your partner on his or her own, doing something in which they are enveloped by something other than you and your daily surroundings, you momentarily get a shift in your way of viewing him or her and you once again open up to the mysteries in that person, a person who is actually living right next you.

Desire and neediness does not go well together. A confident self-sustaining partner who does not need anyone is a true turn on. I for sure do not know of anyone who gets turned on by someone needing him or her, financially or emotionally. Wanting them is another story, but needing them is nothing but a powerful anti-aphrodisiac. Women have known this since forever. How? Because neediness reminds them of caretaking, caretaking is associated with parenthood or motherhood. If a woman is in care-taking mode, in mothering mode, she will not be in lovemaking mode. Most times, if not always, it will decrease the erotic charge. You will not find desire as a ripple effect of neediness. You will find it where you see your partner independent and confident.

3: Novelty to spark freshness

Love needs familiarity, but desire hungers for novelty. Desire loves newness, difference and surprises. The brain is a mysterious place, but there's one thing we do know for sure. It's constantly hunting and searching for growth, new knowledge, new experiences and new impressions.

Novelty isn't so much about positioning things in a new way. It's not about reconstructing a pattern. It's more like adding more value and freshness to what's already valuable. Novelty is the undiscovered parts of you that you wish to discover and bring out. It might be a desire within you to do something you've been wanting to do or at least try to do. Surprise yourself as you surprise your partner. Do something for yourself or do something new together. This will bring freshness in the relationship and spark the desire. It might be as small as changing your hair or buying new clothes, to learning a new language, learning to play the piano or finding ways to laugh so hard you get cramps together. Use your creativity. Novelty doesn't always have to be about changing things in the bedroom, but I would like to mention that it could be a great start experimenting sexually. Tasting delicious new types of food or drinks, taking a walk in a new part of the city, riding a roller coaster or being daredevils on who wins a karaoke sing off even though you can't sing at all will provide the same effect.

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So the great news is; we are told we must work to keep our relationship desirable and passionate, but look at it this way, with novelty you can play and have fun together to do exactly that. Don't grumble at changing certain relationship patters or incorporating one or more atypical experiences into your relationship. The result will satisfy you both as experiences like this release dopamine in your brain, which is your brain's reward system. You both will get a sense of self-expansion and bond more closely as the desire for each other burns with novelty habits.

4: Aggressiveness and openness

The more sexually open a woman is and the more open she is to talk about sex, her desires, wishes and needs, the safer a man feels. How does this make him feel safe? The "predatory" fear is one of the biggest fears in men, sexually. Meaning, he's scared his aggressiveness is hurtful or unpleasant, that his aggression is associated to predatory. That he's too dirty, too nasty, wants too much and that there's something wrong with his desires. A woman has got to be open with her man, and a man open with his woman about sexual needs. Why? Because both, but especially men are afraid they're preferences or performance is a disappointment to the woman. Let's take porn as an example. Men love porn. Men dream about having sex like they do in porn. Why? I will tell you. What does every woman convey to the man in porn movies? "I want it too. I like it. I love it. I will not reject you. Give me more. Take me. You're pleasing me. You're gonna make me come. Fuck me harder. Do whatever it is you want to do. Put it anywhere, I just want you inside of me!" You get my point. Porn portrays a mutual desire and everyone wants mutual desire as mutual desire sparks and awakens even more desire.

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The three most important factors decreasing a man's sex-drive is
1. The fear of rejection.
2. The fear of performance incompetence.
3. The fear of whether she likes it or not.

A man can never be certain. Most men are often left with doubt after sex, if it was good enough even when you as a woman is as pleased as can be. A man can't hide it. He will get a boner and he will ejaculate. A woman on the other hand can fake it all, over and over and over. The more sexually open a woman is, the safer his predatory urges are. The safer his predatory urges are, the more desire he will feel for his woman. A man knowing he can please his woman is a game changer in the sexual realm of a dry relationship. Be a confident woman, tell him what you want and keep an open mind to what he wants to do and tell him how you want him to do it to make it pleasurable for you too. He will love it and he will obey like a puppy.

It's not always easy to know how to bring your erotic wishes to the person you love, because you want love to comes with selflessness. But desire does come with a certain amount of selfishness, in the best sense of the word; the ability to stay connected to your true self in the presence of another.

Let's talk about aggression in sex.
A woman wants a man to love her, caress her, stroke her, kiss her and talk to her, ask her about her day. She wants him to dig deep into her mind and show interest in her. To always be curious about her. She wants him to embrace her, be proud of her and show her to the world. She wants him to be gentle and kind, cherish her and show appreciation. But a woman also wants him to ravish her. Kiss her hard. Take her. Want her. Dominate. Make her feel irresistible with persistence and aggression.

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Woman often tend to think of men as aggressive lovers in a negative matter, but imagine sex without any aggression. Making soft sweet love after a long evening of affection, declarations of love, stroking and kissing is a frequently must, but aggression IS a turn on! Aggressiveness means confidence in erotic terms. It means he knows what he want, he's going after it and it is YOU he's going after. Aggression is the proof of a man or woman wanting their partner so bad he or she feels completely irresistible. That's a narcissistic affirmation. It does not mean you are narcissistic, it just means that the ego, which we all do have, is satisfied to the core when you feel irresistible. So when a woman gets turned on by her man grabbing her aggressively with force and dominance it has nothing to do with him being an aggressive man, it has everything to with a woman feeling so irresistible, the man's aggression, which in many cases aside sex is seen as a negative personality trait, is now the main factor to pleasing her ego and knowing that she is everything he wants. Talk about aphrodisiac!

The same goes for a man as I mentioned above. You know how little boys love comic books and superheroes? It all starts at a very young age. Men wants to feel powerful, they want to save the day and be appreciated and admired. Make him feel like he's your hero. A woman who persistently goes after her man with lust and hunger to have him and frequently show her man that he's the satisfaction she wants and needs, he'll feel like a king, superhero, winner, conqueror, champion and all the greatness he can imagine. His manhood and ego will be jumping up and down like a rabbit on speed. He'll feel alive. He'll feel more in tune with himself. He'll feel confident. He will feel like a true man! And in a man who feels like a true man, sex hormones will be blooming like a hormonal teenager and he'll know you're the reasons he feels this way, which results in more desire and lust for his woman.

On the other hand, if you want to shatter your partner's attraction to you; criticize them, belittle them, limit them, restrict them, judge them and make they feel like they're never living up to your expectations. It's a sure recipe for disaster and divorce or just an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Be kind, be uplifting, let your partner win with you, make them feel amazing about themselves. This is where love and desire connect the most!

5: Be predictable yet unpredictable

Back to the paradox of love and desire. Give me predictability, but be unpredictable. Give me belonging, attachment and connection, but give me space, distance and separateness. Give me safety and comfort, but give me danger, surprises and mystery. Give me continuity and familiarity, but give me novelty and excitement. Give me certainty and security, but give me the unknown. Give me reliability, but give me the unexpected. Always hold me close, but let me fly. You see? I laugh when I think about the complexity of one single person. Try adding another to your own complexity. Don't tell me it's all a cakewalk and that you're always pleased as punch. Reconciling our needs for security and our needs for adventure into one relationship, filled with endless love and eternal desire demands attention and focus to this paradox and that's not easy child's play. The truth; you are, as everyone else, the paradox yourself.

In this paradox in which you actually are, what seems to be so bewildering is that the very ingredients that nurture love are sometimes the very ingredients that suffocate desire. Because desire comes with a host of feelings that are not always such favorites of love, like jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, naughtiness and mischief. Most of us get turned on by night by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day. The erotic mind is not very political correct to say the least. You wouldn't want a partner during the day who wants to own you, is possessive, dominant, holds power over you, talks dirty and tease you. But you do in bed.. Don't you? Oh well, a lot of you do anyway.

A huge part of desire is found where you mix the serious with the fun. Being unpredictable in a fun way is pure magic to desire. When it's coupled with serious predictability, you've found a sure recipe for desire and mystery that will keep the heat in the bedroom. Desire does not long for boredom. Doing the same predictable things day in and day out is flat out boring and is by definition not interesting. In love, predictability has value in security, but will be a desire repellent when it's too much of it.

Predictability is within your comfort zone and you'll be tempted to stay there because it feels normal and safe. But as you're still reading this you obviously want to learn something and not end up in boredom with little to zero spark in your sexlife.

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Flirting is always considered unexpected. When you're past the point of dating and the early stages of falling in love are settling for the routines and everyday life, you can easily keep the magic alive by never quitting the flirting. You can flirt with your eyes, your words, text messages, e-mails, send pictures, touch certain areas as you pass them (breats, butt, crotch etc).

You can also do other unpredictable things like taking your partner somewhere; do not tell where you're going or why you're going there until you get there. Be creative. Make it a surprise. Learn something new you know you're partner is interested in to start a conversation you know your partner will be passionate about and let him/her be surprised that you know so much about the topic. Or, learn to do something you know your partner loves to do and join next time. Suggest something new in bed or just do it as you're in action. I think you understand by now. Unpredictability. Something new. A surprise. Novelty!

Unpredictable behavior takes a little thought and creativity, but it will be all worth it. The danger of continuously being predictable is that you and/or your partner will start to lose interest without knowing exactly why. It's just a sense of boredom. Well, now you behold the knowledge to one reason why this might happen or might be happening right now. So as of right now you know a way to change it up, make it fun and burst the desire!

6: Closeness and freedom

Always hold me close, but let me fly. I wanted to make this paradox mentioned earlier a point in it's own. Freedom is extremely important. In other words, do not stand in your partner's way. Did you know that one of the biggest fear people have before committing to a relationship is to lose their freedom?

Limitations are also factors that stifle desire. Understand and always remember that your partner is as I mentioned, a separate unit, his or her own person. Your partner is an adult who has all the right in the world to freedom to make choices for themselves. The more you try to restrict your partner, the less they will feel open, free and empowered around you. We all need support and respect to pursue goals and dreams. You need to give your partner the freedom to be who they are. A confident partner, which I mentioned is a desirable trait, is also someone who recognizes that each person in the relationship needs to nourish their passions.  And what did I write about seeing your partner doing something they're passionate about? It increases desire. It all goes hand in hand.

No one will ever be everything or enough for one person. Everyone needs more than just you. So do you. We need friends, family, social life, travel, boys night, girls night, hobbies, passions and space to connect with the "self".

"Put a animal in a cage with the door open, make it feel safe and free within those walls and it'll never escape. Close the door, try to captivate and own it and it will do everything in its power to escape. If it does, it will never come back." - Be the Palm Tree
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People have a freedom caged animals do not have, because the door is always open. There's always a choice to leave when they feel trapped, and guess what, most do and they never come back. This is in our nature. No one is born to anything but freedom. In that freedom and in love we need to understand the importance of the paradox of connection and separateness.

Let me draw an image for you. A couple where one partner wants to travel and see the world, meet new people, experience, expand and explore.

Partner nr 1:

Partner nr 1, is the one who truly understands the human needs to go out in the world. The exploratory needs fueled by the hunger for freedom and mystery, the unknown, just as they understand the need for connection. That partner will say; "Oh honey, the world is beautiful place! I want you to see it. All of it. Go! Do it. You're gonna have so much fun!"

When the other partner leaves, they can go off into the world, into their imagination, takes off into a space of freedom, all the while knowing that there's somebody there when they come back. Wherever they go in the world partner nr 1 provides a space where the other can experience the whole paradox all in one. They know you're there and feel connected, while they're out in the world feeling separateness, all at once. This combination will let that partner be able to relax and truly enjoy their time completely. And they will come back.

Partner nr 2:

Partner nr 2 is the one that does not understand this human needs. That partner will say; "No. Why? Why do you want to leave? Don't you have everything you need here? You and I? Together? I don't want you to leave. It makes me worried and anxious just thinking about it. No. It's a no. I can't let you do that."

The other partner will most likely not leave, not at once anyway. Why? Because the human need for connection is greater than the human need for separateness and adventure. They will lose a part of themselves in order not to lose their partner. But they will be robbed of their freedom. And what happens to a caged animal where the door is closed? It will want to escape. If not instantly... Eventually.

If the partner does leave, they will leave burdened with worry, because there's absence from connection during separateness. They will look back at their partner worrying about; is he/she gonna be there when I come back? Will I be cursed at? Will he/she be angry with me? What will happen when I come home? When the partner is feeling trapped while travelling, they will be gone, but they're never really away in a space where the mind is relaxed. They will blame you from taking away the space to relax and truly enjoy their time completely. The worry during absence of connection while apart form each other won't let them know how to leave you in order to have fun, experience pleasure or to enter themselves all by themselves. They won't be able to let go and be their true self in their own minds because they spend time in the mind of the other and not in their own. Some will of course come back, but many won't. And if they do come back, I'm pretty sure the longing for their partner hasn't been that present, which hasn't created the space to miss their partner, to long for their partner, to imagine themselves with their partner again, which as I said, is the mortar to desire.

Now, it's not THAT likely that your partner wish to be gone for weeks or months at a time travelling the world alone, even though it does happen. That wasn't my point. This could be for an hour, a day, a weekend, several days or a week or two. If your partner wants to do something, go somewhere, hang out with someone other than you, see something, experience something, explore a place or just have a day for themselves, let them! It has nothing to do with your partner not wanting to be with you, it has everything to with other aspects of life and other relationships that are important to nourish and take care of. Be happy your partner has interests other than you and make sure you do too! Couples who understand the importance of the paradox of connection during separateness all at once, are couples who feel greater passion, desire, attraction, love and safety.

This destructive freedom-robbing pattern has a damaging ripple effect to desire and sex-drive. On one hand they want to be able to go, on the other hand they don't because they want to please your needs before their own. If they're robbed from their freedom, if they can't grow and expand and follow their needs and wishes, they for sure won't be able to let go in a sexual space. Men even might have great difficulties getting junior to lift the tent, only reaching a level of a half chub. A woman feeling this way will fake the orgasms because they won't be able to let go and get one. They won't get excited about sex because they think too much about the other partner and spend their time in the body and the head of the other and not in their own. They feel responsible for the connection between the two of you and again as I mentioned, responsibility and desire just butt heads. So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs, know that the solution to this dilemma is to always hold your partner close, but let them fly.

When desire dies, sex dies. When sex dies, affection dies. When affection dies, attention dies. When attention dies, self-esteem dies. When self-esteem dies, self-worth dies. When self-worth dies, self-love dies. When self-love dies, your identity will flicker and when that flickers, you'll long to feel alive again. Long to scape the deadness in you. That deadness is one of the prime reasons of affairs. An affair doesn't always mean the same as you wanting to leave your partner, it might be more so that you want to leave how you feel and leave who you've become in that dead relationship. It's not as much that you are looking for another person to share your life with, as it is that you're looking for another version of you, the one you used to be. You want to reconnect with sides and parts of you, which you miss. Affairs are usually someone who wants to reconnect with the quality of imagination, excitement, novelty, renewal, feeling alive and the playfulness that sex used to give them. - Be the Palm Tree

Achieve your New Year's resolutions

Shoutout to all who has a goal for 2018 to accomplish the goals of 2017 which you should have done in 2016 because you made a promise to yourself to do it all in 2015 as it didn't go as planned in 2014. Recognize this? I'm sure you do. 93% of us quit before January is over and we don't keep our New Year's resolutions because they disappear in the clutter of every day life while we dive headfirst at too many goals at once.

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Many of you wander around in directions away from your goals not even aware of it. It might feel like you're constantly trying to do more and be better by juggling multiple balls all at once while you're actually accomplishing very little or even less than before. Some might even look years and years back on their lives not remembering most of it as it's all become a plain routine to be alive while you're walking around on auto-pilot with goals within, never to get there. Do you feel like you're always taking one step forward and two steps back? Like the moment you feel like you're finally getting somewhere, a setback is keeping you away from a major comeback. You're not alone. It's happening to all of us.

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We all have several goals and we want it NOW! Preferably yesterday, but we rarely complete the task to get there. Why is it so easy to make a promise to yourself and so hard to keep it? I've come to the conclusion that when you make yourself a promise the only one suffering if you don't keep it is yourself. If you promise to do something for someone else they suffer if you don't keep it. We prioritize ourselves to little and others too much. As long as it doesn't affect anyone else but us we usually don't care that much. How did we end up in a situation where you're own life, goals and dreams falls short compared to helping others achieve theirs? An interesting answer to that is found in "The Four Tendencies" which is a very interesting read. I'm the "Upholder" within The Four Tendencies, which makes it easier for me to stick to my promises and almost never let anyone interfere with my goals. You should take the time to read The Four Tendencies, as I'm sure you'll understand yourself and those around you better.

As an Upholder I'm just as eager to keep my own promises to myself as the ones I give to others. But, I'm only human and now and then my time and priorities falls short to what I've decided to do and I've always wondered how I could make it easier to follow through. So I came up with a recipe. I call it "The 6-step Foundation Theory".

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The 6-step Foundation Theory

1. Write down all your goals.

2. Make a priority list.

3. Make a plan.

4. Review the importance of your goals.

5. Review need to do/nice to do.

6. Get started.

1. Write down all your goals.
ALL of them! Write down all you can think of. What do you want? Do you want more money? Do you want a better job? Do you want better health? Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to get on stage? Do you want to write a book? Do you want to meditate more? Don't be scared to write down too much, you'll get it all in a system later.

2. Make a priority list.
When you've written it all and there's nothing left to add, make a priority list. Put your goals in prioritized order from 1 -> x. What is most important for YOU to achieve first? Focus on that. Don't think about what is most important for others. If you start at the wrong end of your list your building blocks to your foundation containing other less important goals will balance unsteady stacked on top of each other. It's like building a house. You need a strong foundation and you have to start at the bottom with the most important brick and build one brick at a time or the whole house will eventually collapse and you'll have to try again in 2019.

3. Make a plan.
Start at nr 1 and make a plan for nr 1, then for nr 2 etc. Write down what you have to do to get there, why it's important to you and specify(!) the optimal outcome of this goal. Work your way through every goal. While planning your first move, figure out what you have to do first to start the journey. Maybe your plan should be based on following up on e-mails or calls, getting yourself to the gym or opening scary white envelopes from last year? Whatever starts the process, do that first. After that, make an action plan. It can be daily planning, weekly planning, monthly planning or even annual planning. Do this with every goal you've written down before moving on to the next step.

4. Review your list.
Is nr 1 really the most important one or is it the nicest one? To be able to build a strong foundation you need to get the first brick perfectly placed. You can't just through a bunch of bricks (goals) on top of each other hoping it will hold. It won't. Take your time. Building a foundation is like prioritizing what to put where and finding balance. It needs to be organized and well planned. The first is the biggest building block of everything that comes after it.

5. Review need to do/nice to do.
Review all of them again through the "need to do/nice to do" - filter as I like to call it. Pay close attention to if there's anything within your plan that is more within the category "nice to do", than "need to do". Keep only the "need to do". If you're working on achieving a goal there's SO much you can add to your plan, but do you really need to do all you've planned or would it just be nice to add that too? Go through your plan and X out "nice to do's" and keep the "need to do's". This makes it all a whole lot easier to achieve, even more specific and less time consuming.

"It would be nice to eat the whole thing at once, but you have to chew it so you don't choke on it." - Be The Palmtree

6. Get started.
Don't do it all at once! Figure out how time consuming your first, second and third goal plan is before you do too much from day one. Follow the plan of your first goal, or maybe the first and the second for 7 days. If you manage to follow your plan for 7 days, grab the next brick, your next goal and place this brick where it does not interfere with the previous goal. If you didn't manage to follow your plan, make adjustments and try again. You have 52 weeks from New Year's Eve, no need to hurry! Also keep in mind that you can never find time to do anything, you make time, just as you make the foundation, you don't just find it. It's all about adding new routines one at a time and making time where there's room to be able to be consistent and make the changes become new habits and not just another goal you didn't achieve. 

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With a process like this you're able to make time here to there, continue your normal life and routines while gently adding goal achieving productivity into your life - one brick at a time.

Happy New Year and may your New Year's resolutions build you a strong and happy foundation not forcing you to quit anything as slow process and "something" is always better than "nothing".

May your year be filled with joy, happiness, good health, frequent smiles, more laughter, good nights, good days, good health and endless blissfulness! 

 

 

Heal your inner child

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There I was again. A little grown up, a lot of child. I stood proud on my tippy toes in my mother's couch looking joyfully out the window from our 9th floor apartment. I was waiting to see my dad's green minivan take a right turn at the light stop. My bag was packed with my nicest clothes, my favorite Barbie’s and presents I made for him in Kindergarten. My braided hair from the night before made me feel pretty and prepared for the weekend. And oh, the nail polish, I finally got to wear my mothers high-shine red nail polish. I didn't think about anything else than what we would do together during the weekend. I wanted us to sing along to our favorite songs and dance until we got so hungry he would drive us to McDonalds to get burgers, fries and milkshakes. We would watch my favorite movie and he would put me to bed playing his guitar while singing me a lullaby by the Norwegian band "DumDumBoys". I was as exited as I always was to see him.

Time went by but I waited patiently. Maybe he had to stop for gas. Maybe he was just at the grocery store buying candy for the weekend. Maybe he was stuck in traffic. My joyful smile slowly turned to a thick throat, frowned eyebrows and teary eyes as I realized yet again that he wasn't coming. He forgot me.. Over, and over and over again.
It's been almost 11 years since I last saw him. 

In our society today a majority of hurt children are walking around disguised as adults. Most of you struggle with emotional baggage in one form or another from your past. I admit with every part of my very being that my adulthood has been a brutal battlefield in certain areas concerning my relationship with my father during my childhood. It took years for me to realize that my reaction and thought patterns created in my early stages of life, destructively affected me on a daily basis and ruined most my previous love life. 

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I've had to face the fact that to be able to heal my inner child, I had to travel back in time, back to the source. It was a long time ago, but as the wounds were never taken care of they existed in me, open and infected. First when I came to the realization that I had to acknowledge my emotions as a belonging to the past, they began to heal through a relatively long but effective process.

We exist in three realities; the past, the present and the future. I was hardwired in the past in my present anxious about the future. I lived in all three at once in complete suffocating ache as where anxiety robbed me of the gift of life, the present.

Wobbling unsteady through life with an inner child still suffering and a blurry vision of your identity is what may be causing you to be co-dependent. Co-dependency is being in need of and/or addicted to others to define who you are and what you're worth. Co-dependency describes the emotionally distress developed through lack of love, caring, support, approval, acceptance as well as rejection, neglection and any sort of emotional or physical abuse, which might lead you to question or even lose your identity.

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How you organize and deal with emotions, experiences and memories from your past becomes your emotional survival strategy. A strategy developed over the years to manage and cope with life itself. It's a mechanism and safety filter created within which every new experience and encounter have to pass and be approved by for you to let it under your skin. It's the equivalent of viewing the world through a security lens, sub-consciously there as a result of your past. In other words, you find yourself in constant defense ready to run from anything that could point out a tiny part of memories from previous hurtful experiences. I could end up sprinting with major steps away from something or someone who didn't even put my emotional health in danger what so ever, but the existing fears of a possible outcome put me directly in flight and fight mode all at once, ending in resisting it all and running away. I admit I've lost great opportunities, denied myself of following my dreams and wishes and avoided encounters jeopardizing my spot within my illusion of a comfort zone.

I often asked myself - Who am I? .. I didn't know. I would say I've always been mentally strong, but emotionally weak and fragile. I was stubborn and dedicated, not afraid of speaking my mind or following my own path, but as I insecurely questioned my identity without finding the answers, I based it on my work titles, my relationship titles, my name, my age, my home, my clothes, my appearance and my belongings. As the years passed seeking to identify who I was, I realized there's no plausible answer to that. No one in is this world can say for a fact that there's a blueprint to who they are as we're all constantly in motion.

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As I was seeking, looking, digging through dirt and darkness to find myself I realized that finding myself in a time that no longer existed was impossible. I understood that identification isn't a static snapshot. Nature exists in a state of constant flow and growth and it is essential to understand that you are indeed a part of that nature. It's a never-ending ongoing process. It's in your nature to grow, to be in motion, to change, to develop, to expand and to learn. It's not in your nature to be constrained and cemented in an old Self. I finally understood that I had to change my search from "who am I?" to "who do I wish to become?".

I'd come to the conclusion that I wouldn't find myself where I was looking or where I thought I'd lost myself. I wouldn't find myself reliving every encounter in my life breaking my heart open and tearing me apart again and again. The whole thing was just damn painful to relive. It didn't help me one bit. A light bulb suddenly struck flashes and smacked me awake with the greatest revelation of my personal self-discovery. "That little girl does not exist anymore! She belongs to the past. I was her and she'll always be a part of me, but I'm not there anymore. I'm not her anymore. I'm me! I'm the one who exists. Me, right here, right now!"

I decided to continue to look inside and dig inside myself all the way down to the core, not for the sake of my identity, but to understand how and why this little girl affected me the way she did.

And so it began; my self-discovery through re-discovering, re-framing, re-evaluating, re-organizing, re-thinking, re-considering and re-setting myself. Oh my goodness, my life took a U-turn when rather than asking who am I, I contemplated who I wanted to become. I finally understood the inverse correlation between looking for my identity in a girl from the past and in myself in the present. The emphasis of self-discovery shouldn't be on discovering who you are underneath it all, but on facilitating the emergence of who you are today, how you can use past experiences as personal growth advantages and what you wish to experience in your life.

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Was it all a waste of time seeking my identity in a long lost place for years and years? Absolutely not, because where I thought I'd lost myself, I actually found myself. The sense of inadequacy led me to the question "Who am I?", but within the complexity of trying to understand myself, I found myself on a far better path where I could devote my presents to every unfolding process in my life. With that I can introspect, analyze my emotions, be aware of myself when I act out of old habits, discover where my reactions actually arise from and become more present in every moment through self-observation and create the Self I want to be Me.

How incredible is it to get to the realization that you can re-craft yourself through everything you're going through? There's always a new sense of Self waiting to be born. Rather than remaining wired up in fear, past illusions, misperceptions, old habits and destructive thought patters, you can gather the willpower and courage to discover yourself all over again, instead of seeking your identity in an old version of you from a time that belongs to the past. 

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Some of my friends questioned my route of choice thinking I might have lost my mind talking about healing, spirituality and seeking a deeper sense of my true Self. But who the hell cares? I for one did not. I had figured it all out by my self, for myself. "I'm not there anymore, I'm here which means so far I've certainly survived and lived through all of my worst days. I will find that child within me and I will hug her endlessly, loving her the way she's longing to be loved and see her for the beautiful individual she is. I will comfort her, I will tell her to relax and that it's all going to be ok. I will ask for her forgiveness as I've been looking for her in all the wrongs places for such a long time. I will promise her a lifetime of unconditional love and I will release her to the past, letting her know that in the future, she'll be safe, loved and exactly who she wants to be."

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It was just misperceptions within my inner child living in my sub-consciousness affecting me as to where I believed I wasn't worthy of anything more than my father provided me with. That thought was certainly as false one. Of course I'm worthy of more than that! You see? There was no truth in the reason to my lack of self-love, it was a misperception planted in my mind during crucial times where I as a child developed a significant sense of Self. 

What a blessing it was to finally be aware of myself knowing that there's nothing wrong with me. I was a perfect little innocent girl, just like everyone else, it was the perception of myself that was wrong. And my inner child came to the surface screaming to be healed for me to be able to release everything that was holding me back. As long as I'm alive I'm in control. I hold the power. I can chose to give myself all the love, the hugs, attention, promises and approval I never got from him as a child. And so can you, whatever your inner child is suffering from!

Some of my main issues projected on my adulthood was extreme fear of rejection and I for a fact did not believe I was good at anything resulting in me never being satisfied with myself. It was on a constant hunt to be more and better, not realizing I was already there, I was good enough. I didn't think I deserved love from a man, because if the man who was supposed to love me more than anyone didn't, then who would? I was afraid I wasn't important and that every man would leave me at one point, because that's what I was used to, causing possessiveness, insecurities and jealousy. Just plans that got cancelled last minute with valid excuses got to me as it reminded me sub-consciously of my father who rarely showed up. The list goes on. Do the work and observe yourself, your patterns, reactions, emotions and thoughts and figure out where they all come from. Read my post "Introspection" - to learn more about how to that.

Google became my best friend as I wanted to educate myself on self-love and self-acceptance and that's where I found a YouTube-video called "Heal your inner child". I'm happy to able to share with you the first YouTube-video I came across which led me a the path as to where I truly healed my inner child, released the agony within my heart and became able to fully live in the present moment. There are still scars left behind stabbing me once in a while, but I always know the cause to my reactions now, which makes me calm down rapidly if I do react to something. This video is exactly where it all started for me and I hope with all my heart that it can be the beginning for you as well. (Link to YouTube here)

 

Last, but not least.

My first love was my mother and my father. One ended in years of heartbreak and the other in an never-ending love story. Despite all the love my mother gave me, the broken part of me was living in blind distress inside affecting my adulthood in ways making me feel inadequate and worthless. Looking back, what she did for me 24/7 for so many years can't be justified with me trying to explain how I grateful I am. It's beyond words. Thank the heavens my mother is and was the mother of her caliber. She was able to be my mom and my dad when I needed it the most. To all the single moms and dads out there doing the whole job yourselves, we could never do this thing called life it without you. You deserve a spotlight like no other! 

 


I LOVE YOU MOM! 

THANK YOU!

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Are you in love or in need?

There are two different kinds of "falling in love". It's the "ego-based-thinking" or the "heart-based-being" that falls in love.

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When you fall in love from the viewpoint of ego-based-thinking, it's not so much the person you fall in love with, but how this person can love you. You're giving away your own responsibility of self-love and self-acceptance believing this person will fill you up with the love you lack within yourself. You might call it being in love, as a pleased and happy ego can absolutely be mistaken for euphoric love. But it's not actually being in love, it's being in need and in pain.

Being in need is the equivalent of co-dependency. The part of you "in need" is a part of you starving for love, as you're not loving yourself enough, or even at all. It's an empty space within, in desperate need for someone else to fill up the emptiness. As an ego-based-lover you define your worth, self-love and acceptance based on what is given to you by someone else. As you define who you are and what you're worth based on someone else, you will feel completely dependent on that person, believing you cannot live without him/her and that you'd loose yourself completely if the relationship ended.

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When you fall in love from the viewpoint of heart-based-being you've already learned how to fill your own space with love and you define your own worth based on who you know you are within. You feel lovable and worthy of the greatest love of all, as you're already in love with yourself and full of love. The inner fullness residing within you is a result of you taking responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You're in a loving state of mind packed with all the love you need and you wish to share this love with another, without ever actually needing it. You view a loving relationship as a blissful bonus to an already never-ending fountain of love within your heart. Your goal as a heart-based-being is to share the love with another heart-based-being, rather than just receive it.

When you choose someone from the viewpoint of ego-based-thinking, you'll choose someone you believe is willing to take the responsibility of filling you up with the love you lack within yourself. But there's a major issue with this needy relationship. The one you've chosen most likely has the same level of emotional needs within themselves hoping you'll be the one to fill up their emptiness as well. A relationship where you both focus on getting love, rather than sharing love, will eventually end up being dissatisfied partners and both will blame the other for not loving them the way they want to be loved, usually resulting in break ups. When the break up is the reality of the outcome, you will blame each other for your own unhappiness and insecurities not seeing that you're actually the one responsible for your own happiness, inner love and peace of mind.

This is an absolute nightmare of a relationship. I've been in a relationship wanting each other to complete one another in every way we could not complete ourselves. - Jealousy, possessiveness, arguments, tears, fears, insecurities, sleepless night, anxiety, desperation, control-freak, bitterness and loads of cold shoulders. You name it, that relationship had all the ugly juice in the world. Not to ruin the surprise here, but guess what, we broke up blaming each other for the break up. What a mess!

I wasn't a bad person or selfish searching for someone to complete me and you're not either! Some are even completely unaware it's their ego that's mainly in love. I wasn't aware of it at all. As I said, a pleased and happy ego can absolutely be mistaken for euphoric love. I know so, because it happened to me.

What I had to do was to stop and observe myself. I've written about self-observation here if you wish to read a full-length article on introspection. I've done a whole lot of work within myself to grow my self-love and self-acceptance. I've taken loving care of myself through meditation, mindfullness, healing my inner child, talking to myself and truly working on my communications skills. Not just how I communicate with others, but how I communicate with myself to target my ego and release it as it appears.

So how can you start loving yourself more? There are many ways to do this, but there's one specific thing I would like to share with you. It's quite simple, but it's not always easy as it might feel weird at first. You have to become the person to yourself that you want the other person to be, and I guess you've also come to the conclusion by now that you yourself have to be the person you're looking for in a partner. But how? Well, love is what you search for so love is what you'll have to give to yourself. Growing self-love is all about focus, determination and consistency.

Ok, so let's move on to the awkward stuff. Hah! This might sound really funny to you, but I promise you, this exercise was a life changer for me and you might have heard it before in some way. 

"The Mirror Relationship"

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Basically what you need is yourself and a mirror. Find a mirror, look yourself deep in the eyes, really deep, give yourself a flirty smile and say it out loud. "I love you!" Louder! "I LOVE YOU!" And even louder! "I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" Go to town with why you love yourself. Point at your self and smile, dance if you want to or sing it out loud. I love you because you're kind and compassionate. I love you because you're a great cook. I love you because you're an amazing father. I love you because you always do your best. I love you because you're passionate about your job and I love you because you always deliver in time. I love you because you're always there for your friends. I love you because you're a genuine person. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU!" Whatever you love yourself for, let yourself know it.

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You might feel tense and uncomfortable and as silly as ever - "Am I really talking to myself right now?". But talking to yourself is actually hilarious and you often end up laughing in your own company, which is an energy boost and ridiculously funny. Loosen up. Have fun with it. Make it a joyful habit.
I do this all the time!


Do it every single day for a little while. It's said it takes 21 days to form a new thought pattern or habit. As I'm not a scientist I can't say for a fact that it takes 21 days to restructure a pattern in your brain, but whenever I have tried to form a new habit for 21 days it has worked for me. Read more about it in this article written by James Clear at Huffington Post. - 21 days, 50 days, does it really matter? The days pass as quickly as you know they do anyways. 21 days from now you'll wish you started today. Write a note to yourself on the mirror as an "I love you"-reminder and set a side a few seconds to lift yourself up and love yourself every single day. You deserve it and what is greater than a new habit of loving yourself?

Now, get that mirror, LOVE YOURSELF, become the one you look for in everyone else and become the heart-based-being longing to share the love you've discovered in yourself.

Mirror-relationship-forecast: 100% chance of winning!

Twin Flames

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Imagine your soul energy burning in one big flame. Imagine that flame being divided in two. One part of the soul in you and one part the soul in another. You're each a whole and independent individual, but still one half of a greater oneness; The Twin Flame Union.

The feelings of recognition brought on by the union of your souls are felt so intensely that everything outside of this awe-inspiring, wondrous connection simply ceases to exist. If one or both twins are already in relationships, these often get temporarily pushed aside and totally eclipsed by the power of the twin flame connection in order to allow the strong bonding between the twin lovers to take place. When you meet your twin flame you'll be astounded by how deeply and endlessly you love this person, not with time, but immediately. Love at first sight. The status of existing relationships with someone else falls to be completely irrelevant. Many walk out of existing relationships upon meeting their twin flame simply because the love and connection felt is so strong that staying in the old relationship becomes an unbearable lie. It's like an uncontrollable explosion of a love so powerful you don't even know what to do with yourself, how to slow down the process or even resist it. The connection is so intense and insanely good it almost hurts.

In the beginning you'll be surprised by all the things you have in common. Similar experiences from the past, similar thoughts and feelings, you view the world in the same way, you have almost identical visions, ideas and plans for the future, you think the same way, you feel the same way, you even know what your twin is thinking and feeling. There's no end to the synchronicity between you. You end each other’s sentences. You say the same things at once. You call each other at the same time. Send texts at the same time. Think about and want the same things at the same time. You'll be overly amazed by how much alike you are and often end up saying; "meeting you was like meeting myself!" That's exactly what happens when you meet your twin.

As the bond and connection between you and your twin flame grows deeper and deeper, you'll discover that it's not synchronicity by chance. It's too much to be a coincidence. Thoughts like; "you can read my mind" are very common. Your twin flame is your mirror, a reflection of yourself, your values and experiences, your point of views, dreams, visions, thoughts and feelings. It does not stop there. You are the energetic mirrors of your souls. When you look at your twin you see your soul. You and your twin's soul are the same. You will come to the realization that you've known your twin before. It's a recognition between the two of you not possible to explain as you've never met in this reality. You will both be filled with a new truth of previous lives and existence. And as you spend more time with you twin it feels less like you're getting to know him/her, but more so that you remember who he/she is.

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Seeing yourself reflected in your twin's soul is a spiritual experience beyond human explanation. It has to be experienced and felt. It's like a beautiful feeling of coming home. You will learn the meaning of loving someone completely unconditional and nothing other than your true self is required of you to be. You will love and be loved in a way you never even dared to dream of. That love will be the strongest love you've ever felt and it will change you forever.

Nothing can or will ever come in the way of your love for each other. Read: your love for each other. However, your life together might be a whole other story if you're not ready for the intensity of a twin flame reunion.

When connecting with your twin flame your soul awakens. As your soul awakens, what comes to the surface is not only the blissful and magnified divinity, light and love, but also every other dark part of your soul. The dark parts of your soul is to be found and released within your ego.

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We all have our inner demons hidden and concealed, but as you reunite with your twin flame, those demons wake up. It might be lack of self-love, self-mastery, self-acceptance and image of your own Self, which you've been running from and denying. It will all be awakened and reflected back on you which brings forward a whole new level of an uncomfortable reality. Whether you want it or not and regardless of your choices from the point of meeting your twin, the meeting signals the start of a metamorphosis; a journey of self-discovery and transformation which calls you to re-evaluate everything you think you know. Just like the metamorphosis of the caterpillar transforming to a butterfly. This destructive process will provide you with new knowledge pushing you out of the co-dependent, ego-based relationship mind-set into the reality of unconditional love.

A true twin flame is the most important person you'll ever meet. They tear down your walls and smack you awake of your own Self. A twin flame's purpose is not only to provide you with the greatest love of all, the unconditional love, it's to shake you up, challenge you, tear up your ego, show you your obstacles and addictions and break your heart open if necessary so new light can get in. The transformation you're about to undergo is as inevitable as the death of a physical body. You cannot stop it. The shift is not only necessary, it is inevitable.

Switching from a normal relationship into a twin flame union is not the equivalent of moving from one relationship to another. It's an actual quantum jump between levels of consciousness and parallel dimensions. To maintain a physical union with your twin flame necessitates a completely new level of honesty, transparency and acceptance and it requires a strong, real connection to your true Self as well as the spiritual Source (God, Allah, The Creator). More often than not, when twins first meet they are simply not ready or strong enough in their connection to themselves to be able to make this quantum jump. Often the twins fail to see that what is being offered is not only a new relationship, but the opportunity to become all that they are meant to be. 

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Your twin will be the greatest thing that has ever happened to you in this lifetime, but will also challenge you in ways which you view as extremely difficult. This is for you to locate and acknowledge blockages and fears within your ego to release it. It might be fear of rejection, jealousy, possessiveness, bitterness and/or hatred to your past, fear of not being good enough and other ripple effects of fear-based thinking. Often what twins fail to realize is that they're offered a great opportunity to grow spiritually and emotionally by examining thoughts, feelings, fears, pain, doubts and beliefs to shift from fear-based thinking to heart-based being. As you do the work inside out, you're causing both of you to grow. While you release it in yourself, you release it in your twin as well because whatever issue, distress or dissatisfaction you might be having, your twin has it too. It might appear differently, but the main cause to the issue exists in both of you as you are one and the same. If you choose to deny it all and postpone the growth you've been given the opportunity to achieve, the issue will arrive again shortly as it has to be dealt with and healed. It will never pass. When you actually heal the cause to uncomfortable feelings, you're doing yourself as well as your twin a favor, because whatever changes in one of you, changes in both of you. The issue will disappear and it won't return unless there's more hidden darkness and baggage within waiting to see daylight. 

When you choose to surrender to the knowing of the transformation you inevitably have to go through; you grow emotionally and spiritually in tremendous speed and you release tension within yourself. As you do this you will erase obstacles in the relationship. Obstacles usually ending in twin flame separation. The separation will be inevitable if you refuse your transformation. If you can't face your fears and inner troubles while in the relationship you will find yourself thrown out of the relationship where you're left with no choice but to transform and face it all alone. In other words, the pain you'll feel when separated from your twin will bring every fear and distress to the surface all at once where you're left with no choice but to face it, find ways to heal your sorrow and grow from that experience. As mentioned, your transformation is inevitable. If you do the work required to release ego and fear-based-thinking to grow emotionally and spiritually, the relationship will continuously grow deeper and better in an never ending euphoric spiral.

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If the twin flame separation takes place, you will not be separated forever.  One or both twins often rate the “risk” of moving from what is a safe, familiar and manageable relationship to what is unconventional, passionate and intense as simply too high. In pure defense of the distress caused by the intensity, many will escape the relationship to opt for a more familiar route and relationship.This often happens if one of the twins is spiritually and emotionally more mature than the other. The emotionally and spiritually immature twin will run from the mature twin until the maturity level is about equal and you're both ready for the final reunion.

If you know by now reading this, that you're separated from your twin and what you go through is as painful as a living hell.. Slow down. Let it go. As I said, you will not be separated forever. It's not possible. Completely surrender and trust the process you're going through. This transformational process will lead you back together. You're chasing the impossible if you're chasing your twin. If you run before a mirror, what happens? The running will be reflected on you. If you run, your twin will run as well as your twin is your reflection. You're both running in the same direction. You also run in exact same speed which means you'll never cross paths. If you stop, your twin stops. The road back to your twin flame requires real connection to your true Self as well as the spiritual Source (God, Allah, The Creator). As you grow, so does your twin. Your emotional and spiritual connection within yourself will reflect on your twin. As this transformation is finding it's place in you, it's being integrated within your twin as well, resulting in you being equally spiritually enlightened with depth needed to prepare you for a final twin flame reunion.

Ok, pause! Pause for a minute. I know this is heavy stuff and almost written like it's to prepare you for a job interview before signing a contract. Well, this is the most important job you'll ever get and it's where you sign and fulfill your soul contract.
Take a breath and know that if you feel like I portray the twin flame union as a complicated, fucked up and difficult relationship, I'm here to tell you, it's not. It's freakin` INCREDIBLE! It's out of this world amazing. The gift given to me through this union has erased so many fears and blockages in my life I don't even know where to begin. It has provided me with a love so infinite I go to bed every single day knowing I couldn't possibly love him more than I do right now, but wake up the day after loving him 1000 times more than I did yesterday. It just never stops. It's like a fountain growing bigger and stronger as each day pass. You'll find a link to my twin flame experience here or at the end of this article.

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So now what? How can you make this complicated journey as smooth, balanced and delightful as possible? You have to fully accept and connect to who you are and your true Self, let go of your ego, surrender to your destiny, have faith in yourself, have faith in every process you're going through in life no matter how painful and acceptance of your soul contract is a necessity. You have to love yourself unconditionally and practice unconditional love and compassion for all life, because that's the purpose of the soul. That's who you're meant to be. Then, and only then, will you be able to maintain the twin flame relationship or yet again meet your twin flame, fulfilling your eternal promise to each other. The promise of giving each other what you need to be who you're meant to be.

I might have scared you a little on the intensity of meeting your one and only, but it's the reality of the twin flame reunion. The whole process is actually stupid simple when you know what you now know after reading this. All that's required are complete honesty, transparency, communication, introspection and letting go of your ego through spiritual growth
Nothing can be compared to a twin flame relationship. Absolutely nothing! 
The greatest sign I got right before and after meeting my twin was that I saw 11:11, 11/11, 11-11 etc everywhere! Don't look for it, but if you see it, your twin is getting closer.

 
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A comfort zone is not comfortable at all; it's fearful.

I'm guessing at one or several points in life you feel stuck. At home, in your marriage, relationship, work, career, health, money, environment, life purpose, spirituality, creativity and/or sexuality. When your body needs something it sends a signal. When you need food, you feel hungry. When you need water, you feel thirsty. When you need sleep, you feel tired. When you feel stuck in your life it's a signal that your human needs are not being met as they should.

Growing up my mom made me do all the things I didn't feel like doing! She made me go to school when I wanted to sleep in. Go to practice when I wanted to relax. Do my homework when I wanted to watch TV. Clean my room. Study. You get the picture. For most of us, that was the reality. Spoiler alert: You're not a kid anymore!

As an adult you won't magically feel like doing any more than you did as a kid. You will never feel like doing things that's really uncomfortable. Ever!

Why do you hit the famous procrastination button called snooze? Because growth and change is painful and uncomfortable.. but only at first. This often ends in settling for less than what you really want. You think life is ok as it is even though you want and wish for more. No! Life isn't ok. It shouldn't be just ok. Life is MAGNIFICENT! It's amazing! It's a miracle. This post was inspired by Mel Robbins' TED talk where I learned the scientific odds of you, yes YOU and all of us being born. It's 1:400 000 000 000 000 - one in four hundred trillion! That's not just ok. It's freaking incredible. Life is incredible! Do not settle!

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When you procrastinate, it haunts you non-stop reminding you of it until it's done. When it's finally done you feel free, energized, empowered and proud of yourself. I bet you've heard the cliché "just do it!" - well, that's exactly what I'm telling you to do. 

You know what you should do but is it enough just knowing what you should be doing? No. Action is what begins the process. "Just do it!" begins the process. Have you ever done something uncomfortable just because you wanted to do something uncomfortable? If so, I would love to hear about it. A sudden sense of feeling like it is most likely not what happened. You made the choice because being stuck brought more discomfort than making the changes you procrastinated for so long. You found the courage to "Just do it!". 

"You will make the change when the discomfort of remaining the same is greater than the discomfort of changing."

No one ever FELT like doing something uncomfortable; they felt like it because they didn't see any other ways to get what they really want! Had they gotten easier and more comfortable solutions they'd choose that. If you could take a pill and loose the weight rather than spending hours at the gym and eating dry chicken and veggies, you would. If you could make more money from your warm soft bed rather than working harder, you would. If you could get an easy way out, a shortcut, that's what you would do. Not to spoil the end of the story here, but the odds of that magical easy way out is around zero somewhere. It takes action, time, effort, attention, work and dedication to change something you're dissatisfied with. Those changes usually feel painful at first, but nothing is as painful as being stuck.

Have faith in yourself and your uniqueness. Be your own best friend! Don't belittle yourself by saying you can't do it. Don't wait for the perfect moment. Don't wait for when you're ready. If it's not perfect now, if you're not ready now and you don't feel like it now, guess what?! You never will... You never will.

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Does perfect suddenly arrive? I don't think so! Do you think the perfect time, the perfect business, relationship, book, product or way of life just happens? I certainly don't. I think everything in life is an ongoing process, which needs attention, focus, dedication, work and love to thrive. You have to allow yourself and dare to be in an uncomfortable state to expand and grow. It's your nature to grow. You've never seen a kid who can't walk fall down a gazillion times giving up on ever walking. It's not in your nature to give up! Nothing ever stops growing, so why should you?

"Don't let perfect get in the way of possible."

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As a matter of fact, a comfort zone is not comfortable at all. It's as uncomfortable as it gets because it keeps you from living the life you really want. Do you know why you're so scared of stepping outside that zone and making the changes? Because you're afraid that the results you so dearly hope for won't be the reality of the outcome. In other words, you're scared because it would be heartbreaking not to see your dreams come true if it doesn't work out. Therefore, a comfort zone is just a limitation holding you away of something greater. Comfort zone = Fear.

Remember; the odds of you being alive are one in four hundred trillion. Don't waste that by giving in to this fear and settling for "it's ok" when every day you get to live is a true miracle! Be the bold daredevil you admire and be the one you look up to the most. That's where the magic in life is. That's where the one in four hundred trillion exist.

"I can't do it." - Yes, you can. And how can you say that when you've never really tried?
"I don't have the time." - Make time. Time is based purely on priorities. 
"I don't know how to do it". - Educate yourself.
"It's too risky." - No, it just uncomfortable.
"I'm scared it won't work out." - Never trying is the only dead end.
"I'm not good enough." - You're one in four hundred trillion. You're a miracle!
"What if I get rejected?" - A rejection is only a redirection into something even better.
"What if I fail?" - What if you fly? 
"It's been done before." - Never by you.
"I don't have the money for it." - Get partners on board. It's better to own 50% for a success than 100% of an idea.

There's no valid excuse as there's always an answer to why and how you can make the changes. Excuses are only procrastinations keeping you from what you really want. Away from your dreams and living them to the fullest.

It's all up to you. Growing up we never knew we had to be our own parents as adults. Just as your parents made you do all the things you didn't feel like doing, they also told you that you could do and be anything you want.

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Now what? What can you do to stop procrastinating what you know you should be doing, but just can't find yourself to actually do? I could write for days about this but I would suggest you start with Mel Robbins' 5-second rule. It's a game changer. She's my mentor and a true role model.
She's my hero.

Introspection - where do you point your finger?

While you know you're in terrible pain you might have a hard time pointing out exactly what it is that's hurting you. It's just everything about a certain situation or a person. You know that when he/she did this or that it hurt your feelings, so you think that has to be the cause of your pain. I'm here to tell you, it's probably not. It was just a trigger to what's already hurting inside of you.

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I bet you've been so hurt by someone you just wanted to cry, scream and yell at the person who hurt you to release some tension and to put the blame on someone. This sort on tension release feels good for a minute or two, maybe an hour or a day, but then it all comes crashing down again. The disappointment, the pain, the distress, the anxiety and all you want to do yet again is lash out on the same person. But can you think of one time you lashing out on someone actually solved your problem and permanently removed your pain? I certainly can't.

From a very early age you started observing and making conclusions about yourself affected by your environment and the people close and around you. These conclusions affect your identity today. You might end up making yourself become a lifelong victim as an adult based on experiences from your past. (I did for a long time.) Many of us do not know where the acute sense of failure and anxiety comes from when someone points out our faults or imperfections. And just as many are often in denial of their own existing fears and insecurities. Do you think you are indifferent to hurtful experiences from your past? If you think you are, you're not. You would know because it's a process to heal emotional pain. It takes time and effort. It doesn't just go away with time because you refused to acknowledge it and swept it under the famous rug. Unfortunately, denial and demons go well hand in hand.

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When you lack insight to your inner demons, distress and insecurities, almost every event is a possible trigger to the troubling elements of your inner life. You become what's called fragile and over-sensitive. It might be fear, worry, regret, guilt, humiliation, lost hope or disappointment residing powerfully within you existing in a hidden place so deep within it's out of range and reach for your view and understanding of yourself. When you lack this insight you put yourself in a position of a victim. And what is a victim? It's one without power and control and that's not a pleasant state of mind.

As a victim you often tend to foresee the ability you've got to locate the true cause of your emotional reactions. When you discover the true cause, the root as I like to call it, it will help you see past the agony and fury, calm your anger and find constructive solutions to get you out of the pain. It's called introspection.

As you're working on getting to know your inner life, know that you might lie to yourself on the way. We are MASTERS at self-deception. We lie to ourselves every day. Why? Because we think denial will spare us from the pain and that often seems easier than admitting and dealing with the pain. While I grew my introspection in the beginning I often gave my insecurities a wrong diagnose.

I always used to say; "No guy has ever made me feel safe and they always end up hurting my feelings!"
I struggled a lot in my romantic relationships. I had the image of every man being selfish assholes and that I would never be able to trust again, love again or even allow myself to let anyone get close enough to hurt me. So I thought I found my truth:
"They're all either fucked up or complete assholes. I'll just be alone for the rest of my life." FALSE!!!
That wasn't my truth. It goes deeper than that.
"My very best will never be good enough for anyone." CORRECT!!!
So simple, yet so hard to admit.

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Me blaming every guy for never making me feel safe and loved came from a broken hearted little girl inside of me, my inner child, frequently coming to the surface screaming for attention to be healed. I had to understand that to be able to feel safe and loved in a relationship I had to change my misperceptions and conclusions about myself created in my childhood. Deep within I didn't believe I was worthy of safety and love from a man based on me not ever feeling good enough for my father. No man could ever make me feel safe or loved. It was an impossible task, because within my denial, feeling unsafe and unloved was all I felt. That was the core of me. I didn't love myself, I didn't feel worthy of love, I was not safe within myself and didn't feel worthy of safety from a man. It was all a cluttered soup of endless heartbreaks from my childhood. Me blaming everyone else wasn't about them at all. It was all about me.

I got rejected as a child and my main fear while growing up was - no shocker - the fear of rejection. Everyone who did reject me was an asshole in my eyes and I could get really mad, upset, frustrated, sometimes mean and say things I shouldn't have. None of them were complete assholes. Looking back at it I was one out of line and I was the insecure asshole. A girl who wasn't able to deal with rejection AT ALL because not only did the rejection hurt me, it awakened every hidden hurtful rejection experience from the past so they got the whole bucket of past anger, sorrow and fear. I took no responsible what so ever for my reactions and/or actions. I was completely out of balance.

When admitting the core of your insecurities to yourself it might be a tough one to swallow. Admitting to myself; I'm not good enough for anyone was stomach wrenching. You might realize how little faith you have in yourself, how little love you're giving yourself, how co-dependent and how fragile you actually are and it can be brutally painful. But when you finally do admit it and face your greatest demons you will unlock multiple limitations in your life; work-related, friendships, relationships, trust in yourself and your own voice, trust in others, trust in your dreams and ambitions. Just knowing your own insecurities gives you the opportunity to make the choice to grow and expand your sense of self, self-worth and self -love. It changed my life.

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Why is it undeniably powerful admitting to yourself what it is that's actually causing your painful aggressive reactions? Because if I had stuck with the false diagnose "I'll just be alone for the rest of my life" it wouldn't have helped with anything other than me reconciling with the thought of having to enjoy being alone, which I already did. It would only be a destructive pattern keeping me locked in a lie away from love and all the blessings falling in love comes with. My fear of rejection made me reject love. It made me become the one I was afraid of meeting, someone who rejected. My fear made me reject everyone who could possibly reject me, even though it wasn't certain they ever would. Now that's a bad spiral to be in - pushing away all that's good as there might be a chance for something bad. A correct diagnose on the other hand will help you in almost every part of your inner and outer life, as it did for me. The correct diagnose made me realize how shattered I actually was and it was the beginning of me putting all the pieces back together, to be whole again and become the one I really am.

Another great thing about growing introspection is that when someone hurts me today, it does hurt, but I manage to find the positive aspect of the pain. Because of the pain I may find that what I thought was healed still has some bleeding wounds or I find another dark unhealed area inside myself for me to get to know, work on and release.

If the goal while hurting is to be grateful for the people who hurt you as this gives you opportunities and choices to change and grow your introspection and the understanding of yourself, you always win. Very little can get to you over a long period of time if this is your focus. You will heal easier and rapidly because you get straight to the core of your pain and you'll learn that as you are responsible for your reactions and emotions, you are also in control. And that gives you self-power!

So now what? How can you grow your introspection? - Through changing the direction of where you point your finger when you experience aggressive reaction patterns and pain, and through expanding your self-awareness and through observing yourself.

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When you react to something do not act out in the heat of the moment,(!) stop and observe yourself. When you notice you're lying about your feelings to someone as it doesn't match what's really going on inside of you, stop and observe yourself. When you act out aggressively and thinking irrational thoughts, stop and observe yourself. When you're still hurting and a situation feels unresolved even though you had "a great talk" which was supposed to resolve the conflict, stop and observe yourself.

While you stop and observe, have a conversation with yourself and ask the questions below without having an answer mentioning anyone else but yourself. It's not always easy eliminating everyone else but by doing so you will get to the core and you will grow your introspection. This is how I do it.

I stop and I observe myself:

Why do I feel this way and what does this say about me?
What is secretly already hurting inside of me that yet again awakened?
What is my reaction telling me about myself?
What has happened earlier in my life that made me feel the same way?
What is this really about?
As this painful state doesn't solve any of my problems, what can I do differently to make it better?
Is this how I want to live my life?
Is this the kind of person I want to be?
Does feeling and reacting like this benefit others or me in any way?
What about this situation made me insecure?
What am I really afraid of?
Ok, and why am I afraid of that?
Ok, and why am I afraid of that? .... etc.

When you finally get to the core and admit that you are insecure and scared about something, which we all are(!), you are confronted with a choice.
1: Work on it.
2: Don't work on it.

Whatever you decide to do, know that you are responsible for the coming consequences because you have a choice. If you choose not to work on yourself and change you will at one point have to admit that you were not strong enough to make different and better choices for yourself and that's another painful truth. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Not acknowledging your issues and sweeping them under the rug will ultimately cause more damage to yourself and those around you, than letting your pain and fear see daylight and be healed as you acknowledge it.

When you get to the core of your pain there are many ways to deal with it, to process it and release it.

Some use themselves. Some use friends and family. Others use psychotherapists or psychologists. Some use spiritual leaders and healers. I've used myself through inner dialogs, writing, meditation - especially focused on "healing your inner child" and mindfulness. I've used friends and family, shaman and Theta Healing - I still am to this day. I chose to work on myself and change. As I mentioned, it changed my whole life. Not a little, not a lot, my whole life.

It's all up to you if you wish to get to know and balance out your inner life. Know that that's where you find your courage, your willpower, your strength, self-love, self-mastery and peace of mind. It's where you find your own Self. You don't find yourself in others, in approval from others, in others needing you, in others loving you. Your life is all about you! It's not about all the others and it's not about what happens outside you. You can't control and you are not responsible for all the circumstances you encounter in your life, but you are responsible for how you react to them and what happens inside of you. Encounters outside of you will affect the inside of you but it's up to you how you react to it and how it affects your life. You can be in total control by focusing on introspection, understanding yourself and taking full responsibility for your reactions and emotions. 

 
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Be the palm tree

In his silence all he could hear was his own sad sniffing. His face was filled with tears falling from his red swollen eyes. He closed the door behind him without locking it. He left a note on the dresser.

 

«Dear someone. What do you do when the future you predicted and the life you planned out so perfectly slips through your fingers? What do you do when it feels like you´re dead in the dark but your heart keeps providing life, even though every heartbeat feels like a struggle for survival. What do you do when the unbearable pain in your stomach defeat the presence of hunger? What do you do when you wake up every morning realizing you lost your dreams on the battlefield called reality? I'm lost in this whirlwind and I'm sorry.»

 
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His destructive thought patterns would clutter the most obvious rays of light sent his way. Every day as he woke up he felt a brief moment of no memories, no worries. Just a blissful emptiness. But then it hit him. Reality. It hit him so hard he couldn't breathe through the ache and endless tears. The pain was always right around the corner, calling his name pulling him back into his misery. He couldn't even remember when it all began, when his happiness went below zero and all of his dreams vanished. He could hear a voice of self-love trying to enter his thoughts but it drowned in the floods of a devil on his shoulder sending tsunamis of fear and hatred. He was so lost in his loneliness feeling no hope of escape. He could sit for hours crying tears of sorrow no one ever saw. Talking words no ever heard. No one knew what he was really going through. No one would ever really listen and no one had the time to guide him. He couldn't take it anymore. He got on his bike and went far into the woods.

"Is anybody out there?" He said, but received no answer.  
"Give me a sign! A reason not to give up!"

"Look around." A voice said.
"Do you see the sunflower and the palm tree?" The voice continued.

He flinched before he calmly answered.
"Yes..."

"I once planted a sunflower and a palm tree seed, each with their own purpose. I took amazingly good care of both. I gave them light. I gave them love. I gave them warmth. I gave them comfort and I gave them time. The sunflower struck sprouts within days. It grew tall and yellow in its entire splendor resembling the sun. The palm tree on the other hand was still in the dark, no sprout to be seen but I didn't give up on it. The year after the sunflower grew again to be even more beautiful than I remembered. But the palm tree - nothing. I refused to give up on it. Year three arrived, no palm tree. By this time the sunflower had a family. Two more to be seen. The fourth year of waiting for the palm tree to sprout my persistence on not giving up on the palm tree still showed no signal of life. But then, after five years of nurturing and refusing to give up, a cute little sprout saw sunlight for the first time. This sprout was as tiny as it could get. It seemed almost insignificant in its majestic nature surroundings. Six months later, that palm tree stood tall and victorious as the king of its surroundings. Like the magical nature around it bended their knee to their king, all looking admirably up at it.. It took the palm tree five years to grow its roots."

He listened carefully and the voice continued.

"Don't compare yourself to others. The palm tree had a different purpose than the sunflower. They are both beautiful in their own way. But you should know one thing. No matter the magnificent power of a storm or a hurricane, the stem of the palm tree never breaks. It can bend all the way to where it looks like it's about to break. But it doesn't. It will bend, it can be harmed, it might change direction and adjust to it's environment filled with storming knock outs, taking every punch as a victorious hero, but it will stand tall. If it falls over it will rise again towards the sunlight. When the storm has passed, an even greater strength resides within the palm tree. Strength like that takes time. Growing roots like that takes time. Know this; all this time while you've been struggling in the dark you've actually been growing your own roots, like the palm tree struggled to survive through dirt growing it's roots. Every plant has to grow through dirt before it sprouts and blooms. And just like the palm tree, you too are a part of nature. Everyone is."

He soaked up every words coming to him like it was a matter of life and death. And it was.

"You will reach the same height and strength as the palm tree. Your time will come. Appreciate the darkness you're growing through. It is within this time you grow your unbreakable, untouchable, unmistakable, indestructible and unshakable roots to who you're supposed to become; a man who is as magnificent as he can be."

He started to see a great glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.
He asked.

"How big and tall do you think I can get?"

He quickly got an answer.

"How big and tall does a palm tree get?"

"As big and tall as it can?"

"You understand now. Give yourself and the world the gift of growing as big and tall as you can be, my friend."

He sat down, pulled up a piece of paper and a pen and wrote. "Be the palm tree. Stand tall. Be victorious." He came home with a life saving story as he answered his own suicide note.

"Dear someone. (I'm someone!)
What do you do when the future you predicted and the life you planned out so perfectly slips through your fingers? (It's only your seed being planted in the dark.)
What do you do when it feels like you´re dead in the dark, but your heart keeps providing life, even though every heartbeat feels like a struggle for survival? (You're about to rise!)
What do you do when the storming pain in your stomach defeat the presence of hunger? (You stand tall!)
What do you do when you wake up every morning realizing you’ve lost your dreams on the battlefield called reality? (You go for victory!)
I'm lost in this whirlwind and I'm sorry. (It's ok. I'm your friend and I will never let any storm break you! Be the palm tree. Stand tall. Be victorious. Sincerely, you.)"

All he needed was someone to actually listen. Someone to guide him. Someone to encourage him. Be that someone for others. And for yourself; be the palm tree.

 
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Placebo, mindfulness & meditation

We base our entire world on knowledge. Knowledge is power. Lack of knowledge is lack of power. BUT, the scientific knowledge we've been operating with for many centuries are actually found not to be valid today. Which means we've been operating with misperceptions and misbeliefs about our physical and mental existence. If you have a misperception, that misperception can kill you. You're lying to yourself if you tell yourself that your illness, pain and suffering controls your life.

We may look at an anorexic girl and say; "That girl is killing herself. There's nothing left of her. She's only skin and bones." But what this girl sees when looking in the mirror is a whole other story. When she looks in the mirror she sees an over-weighted bloated person. Which is a misperception, because she's not. Right? And what does this misperception lead to? This misperception is going to kill her if she takes it too far. There is nothing wrong with her biology or her body in general; it's her perception of what she believes about her body that is wrong. It's the integrated belief system within her mental state that's wrong. But there's always a way out. Once something is integrated wrongly you can always reverse it, restructure it and put it back together the way it's supposed to be. The only way to do so is to practice to use our minds in the process. 

The belief that illness, pain and suffering control our lives is a belief making us victims. "I just can't control it anymore. There's nothing I can do about it.” That irresponsible nature leads us to destroying ourselves, sometimes even killing ourselves. Science says; "No, illness, pain and suffering does not control your life! Your mind controls your life!" Your mind is acting through epigenetic control. Epigenetic control means that if you change your mind and your perception you change your biology. In other words; you're the master of your life. If you let the illness, pain and suffering control you, you let yourself become a victim. As soon as you let yourself be a victim you let go of your the minds power. Our minds not only shape our mental world, the science of epigenetics totally reveals that we can use our minds as the shaper of our physical world and physical health.

Think about this for a minute. You are an individual. What does individual mean? Split the word: in - dividual. This means you're not capable of separating yourself. You're inseparable. So the perception of having to divide the mental and the physical health is certainly a misperception. You might not believe me when I say mental health affects your physical health. But if you don't believe me, please explain the endless scientific reports proving placebo to be as real as day, existing only in our minds.

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The word healing is to many a scary and very "spiritual" word. But healing does only mean a process of becoming healthy again. Imagine how great it would be if you could use your mind to heal your way out of pain and suffering. Well, you can! The placebo effect is harnessing the healing power of the mind. Placebo is easier for us to wrap our minds around because it's scientifically proven to exist. "Placebo" and "healing with our minds" are the exact same things. It's not a spiritual hippie term. It's just a change of words.

Don't get me wrong here. In no way am I saying that actual illness only exists in the mind. I am saying that your mental health affects your physical health. Mindfulness practice and meditation trains you to perceive and relate to your life in a way where you can control your mind to not let the physical be in control. Mindfulness will help you in your healing process. It might even speed up the process because, again, the science of epigenetics reveals that you can use your mind as the shaper of your physical world and physical health. Where do placebo, mindfulness practice and meditation connect? It all exist in your mind.
Coming soon: "How to practice mindfulness and how to meditate."

 
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This is love!

This is my first text about finding the love of my life. It's out there. It does exist. He is real. 

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It all started with a blissful light scream when I read his first message saying I'm the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. That joyful scream echoed in my mind for hours until I heard from him again. When we met it was love at first sight. I know it might sound crazy, but I fell in love with the illusion of who I thought he would be, before we met. My senses arose so instantly I could feel my soul sing the most harmonious melodies, even before I knew him. Or did I know him? How else could I know that I just knew right from the start that "this is it"? How could I be so certain? Did I love him in another lifetime and promised his soul I would find him again? That I would need 28 years, 4 months, 14 days, 20 hours and 10 minutes to prepare myself to open up to a love so strong words can't even begin to describe it. A love so powerful it stretches far beyond what is humanly possible to understand in this illusion of physical three-dimensional existence. A vibration and frequency so intense, so high, that for us to attract it into our lives we had to spend years, maybe lifetimes apart to enlighten it in ourselves to be able to receive it. From the bottom of the deepest corners of my soul, yes, I do believe so. What else could it be when he's so familiar to me? How can it be that as I'm spending more time with him it feels less like I'm getting to know him, but more so that I remember who he is. Every kiss and I love you, every whisper and every move he makes brings me closer to the conclusion that I've loved him before. In another place, in another body, in another existence, another dimension, in another life. Now and then when I look at him, I recognize him. Like a lovely Deja Vu awakening the awareness where my soul offers me the euphoric sensation that this is my destiny. A reminder that it was all preplanned. Like I've been there before. And I have. I know I have. It's like he's always existed in my sub-consciousness, unknowingly pulling me in directions that would lead me to him again. When I imagine us in my mind I see galaxies and starsystems bursting in flames. An explosion of love so unconditional I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that in him, I see not only my future, I see my inner pilot. A guidance so bright that I know without a doubt he is a part of the purpose my spiritual being, my soul, chose this human travel. When I look into his eyes I hear the archangels sing in gospel tunes: "Welcome home". To me, he is the purest form of perfection. I love that man so much it physically hurts sometimes. I'm so out of this world in love with everything about him. It's impossible to put into words the million things he doesn’t even know he’s doing that are making me love him more with every nanosecond flying by. I've never felt such a genuinely understanding and agreement between my heart, mind and soul. Like every part of my very being finally speaks the same language. The language of love singing that he is The One. I love him so deeply, so madly I've even questioned my own sanity. I've always said, if it's not crazy and passionate to the core, I don't want it. Him and I are all that. We're more than that. His craziness matches my craziness. His insanity matches mine. He fits me like a tailored glove. I crave him in ways I've never craved before. To me, his body is like a masterpiece designed and put together in such a way that when my eyes and fingertips embrace him, I surrender. I want him in ways reminding me of addiction. Every time he touch me I feel his force and power bring more fuel to the flame inside me burning for us. The souls in us were destined to touch. Across space, across time, along paths we could not predict but destined to go. What's meant to be will find its way. When we found each other, I found myself. The deepest, realest place within me also resides within him. My soul and his soul are one, split in two halves, burning individually and independently in both of us. Twin flames, reunited. I'm as grateful as I can be. I feel secure and safe with the knowledge that when this life is over I will find him again in another lifetime, in another world, in any version of reality. I will find him and I will choose him. I will love him unconditionally, over and over and over again. For all eternity I am him, he is me, we are one. Inseparable. Unbreakable. Indestructible. Unshakable. Irreplaceable. Untouchable. Inextinguishable. Undying. Unconditional everlasting love.

 
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Arguing isn't communication, it's noise. 

Why do we fight? Why do we use our energy on something so destructive? It's said it's healthy to fight. No. It's not healthy to fight. Communication is healthy. People say they feel closer to their partner after resolving a fight. But ask yourself; is the fight that makes you feel closer to your partner? Or is it that you finally got to express your feelings and you communicated your way to resolving the issue that makes you feel closer to you partner? Communication is the key to success in every relationship, friendship and work relations.

There's one major key to fight less and communicate more.
Think about this for a second;
If you always explain why you react to something, rather than staying silent in your hurt feelings or anger, you will open up conversations where you communicate without arguments because explanations make people understand. It might be a heated discussion, but if you communicate well, which demands both listening and telling, everything is usually resolved within minutes.

My boyfriend stopped kissing me every time we kissed one day. I noticed it, but didn't say anything. Every time he did this my emotions grew stronger in ways reminding me of rejection. That night when we kissed again, he stopped me once more. I was filled the usual thoughts you get when you feel rejected. So I closed myself off and stayed silent in my own emotions to protect myself from further rejections, which is a natural reaction. He knew something was up so he asked me if something was wrong. I said no. Silly me.  This continued for about an hour not realizing my bitter behavior bothered him more than me just admitting my issue. He refused to give up on the conversation. He didn't understand why I was acting that way and not understanding something can be really frustrating, so he basically forced me to talk to him about what was going on. And oh, am I glad he did. And I'm so grateful to have a man who does not run away from situations like that. It would just magnify the issue and would pour fuel to me feeling rejected. I think I learned more about communication during the short following conversation than I have our entire relationship.

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So I finally told him:
"I feel sad and rejected because every time I've kissed you today, you've stopped me."
His answer was:
"Honey, it's because my nose is all stuffy. I can't breathe when we kiss longer than I can hold my breath. You know I've got the flue? And you know better than thinking I would ever reject you. I never want to stop kissing you."


So there I was, feeling as needy and over-sensitive as ever. My feelings, even though a bit over-reactive, was as real as day to me because I am over-sensitive to rejection based on childhood experiences. Anyways, I just had to laugh at the whole thing. Seeing how my inner child reacted to kisses a few seconds shorter than usual increased my introspection more than I could imagine short kisses ever would. It showed me that I need to work even more on that inner child still suffering from abandonment and rejection. His way of comforting me in a situation where I felt ashamed of my reaction made me yet again realize how extremely lucky I am to have him. It was all a win-win-win-situation. So we laughed together, had a great, deep and vulnerable conversation and we kissed until he could no longer hold his breath. 

My point with saying this is that if I had just asked in the moment of reacting: "Why do you stop kissing me today?" I would have got my answer and I wouldn't have spent an hour feeling sad thinking he was rejecting me. I wouldn't even have spent a minutes. I would have saved myself from hours of feeling rejected and would have saved him from exhausting himself to get me to talk. Such a small thing, but such a big lesson!

What I've learned from this is that a great amount of hurt feelings are purely a misunderstanding. We usually interpret an incident or situation in the worst possible way, only to find out later that our conclusion was nothing even close to what this situation was really about. So again:
If you always explain why you react to something, rather than staying silent in your hurt feelings or anger, you will open up conversations where you communicate without arguments because explanations make people understand. It might be a heated discussion, but if you communicate well, which demands both listening and telling, everything is usually resolved within minutes.

Talk to each other. Be vulnerable and honest about who you are, why you react to different things and why you sometimes lose your balance. Losing balance in yourself is part of finding the balance in the relationship. You are two completely different human beings, with completely different backgrounds, different trigger points, reaction patterns and communications skills. Teach each other to know each other through communicating everything you feel, good and bad. BUT, there is a huge BUT, always make sure that when you do communicate your feelings, be certain that what you communicate is exactly how you feel.

Always boil it down to the root. Why do you feel the way you do? What has happened? And tell the truth. Always speak your truth. If your partner can't handle your truth, doesn't respect your truth, your insecurities or your vulnerability, ask yourself if your partner deserves the best of you. This is important, because it's when you open up and acknowledge your issues that you actually grow and get to know yourself better. Just like I did. It is essential to your relationship to yourself and to the relationship with your partner. No one is perfect so don't try to be. Putting your emotions, needs and wishes aside to benefit another is not the equivalent of being a good partner. Quite the opposite if you ask me. Because it's only when you're true to yourself and honest with yourself that you will be completely true and honest with your partner, which is a key factor i trust, loyalty and dependability. I do not believe that a relationship with the lack of true and honest conversations will last as long as you might want it to.

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Spirituality & Religion

I remember I could stare at the night sky for hours. I still can. The stars felt and still feel like home. I would lose track of time and disappear into what felt like a blissful eternity where nothing and everything existed all at once. I often asked myself why I was so madly in love with the sky. What was the deep connection I felt in my heart to whatever was up there? I didn't know at the time. The only thing I could associate the sky with, was God. For a period of time, I would say a year; I genuinely thought I had found God. I went to church by my self and wholeheartedly read the Bible. I was 14 at the time. But something happened. I read the Bible, loyally went to church and talked to religious leaders and people from the Christian community, but something felt very wrong.

I've always been a stubborn girl wanting to figure things out on my own and do it myself. In Christianity I felt somewhat robbed from that. I didn't feel it was enough room and flexibility for me to interpret my connection to the sky and the universe in any other way then what was written in the Bible. I started thinking thoughts like; do these people believe this because they've been told to believe it, taught to believe it? As a young teenager I would question everything with a big question mark. I was a curious little philosopher so I asked my self; would they really believe exactly what they believe today if nobody ever taught them to believe it? The follow-up question was; what do I really believe if I eliminate everything I've ever heard or read? What do I believe if I chose not to listen to anyone but myself? - I didn't have the answer, but I had a feeling religion was not my own way. It was someone else’s way, teaching me to wander in their direction. Well, as I mentioned, I was a stubborn young girl who did not settle for less then what made perfect sense to me, so I closed the Bible. I would only settle for a belief system I created myself where I found my own way and a truth that was my truth. And so it began.. My spiritual journey. 

I rarely go by the book. I didn't want a recipe written in stone on what to believe or why I should believe it. That wasn't what I was looking for. Yes, I was looking for answers, but answers to guide me in directions leading me to my own answers, not someone else's. Along the way I read a book by Deepak Chopra and as I Googled him a quote appeared which validated and put words to why I wasn't feeling connected to a set religion.

"Religion is belief in someone else's experience.
Spirituality is having your own experience."
- Deepak Chopra

So I looked into that and really chewed on that piece of information for quite some time. I actually still do. What I learned growing up is that every belief in religion, is a personal belief. They find their own way and their own truth based on the religion, which also makes their religious belief their own spiritual experience. This makes religion a great introduction to their own spirituality, as it was for me. So religion offers both and in that way I somehow disagree with Deepak Chopra, but I understand his point of view. The only difference is that some continue their spiritual journey within the religion and some don't. I'm one of those who didn't, but I see how religion, even though I didn't see it then, did lead me further on my way to my spiritual experience and journey.

As I was learning, growing, thinking, feeling, changing, I found that for me, it's all about the love. Love is actually what I believe in. Love is all I need. All I want. Wherever there's love, that's where I want to be. Who ever teaches love, is someone I would like to learn from. Who ever writes about love publish books I want to read. And whoever consists of purely unconditional love, is someone I want to follow. I distance myself from everything that is not love or a ripple effect from love. I've gathered a lot of messy thoughts and feelings and put them all in order and systems for me to understand them. And every time I do that, it all boils down to love. It's all about the love.

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What my religious leaders forgot to teach me in the clutter of trying to convince me to just believe and have faith in God, was the basic fundamental values of Christianity; the love.

That God loves all, unconditionally. I realized this after expanding my awareness, knowledge, conciseness and after opening the Bible again. That God and the energy I believe in are the same; we just call it different names.

So what is love? Love to me, is me having that experience Deepak Chopra wrote about in his quote; my own experience and my own interpretation of the connection to what I can't see, but know is there. Because of that, that love is my spirituality, then spirituality to me, is love. Spirituality is love. And religion is love. It goes hand in hand. We do somehow, on some fundamental level, believe in the exact same thing, we just interpret it differently and name it differently. We're not that different, as a matter of fact, we're not different at all. It all boils down to the belief in the highest power of love energy. A force, a creator, a spirit, a purpose, a soul, destiny, strength and faith in this power and that we all come from the same energy within this high power. No one less than others. No one greater than another. No one more worthy of love than anyone else. No one more important than the other. No purpose greater or smaller than another. We're all different with individual purposes created by the same force. So if everyone is here with each a purpose not greater than anyone else's, who are we to judge where they are on their journey towards that purpose?

There is no right or wrong definition to spirituality as spirituality is different for everyone. There are some common themes associated in the definition of spirituality, but just as I found my own definition for myself, I would advice anyone to do the same. Finding their own truth. Whatever feels right for you is right for you. My truth isn't always your truth or the other way around. But I would like to share with you my interpretation and definition of spirituality and how I see it, how I live it and how it has changed my life to be nothing but a loving and positive focus on the greatest gift of all, life.

Spirituality to me is love. Spirituality is to distance myself from everything that's not love. Love is more than a collective term for family, partner/spouse or being in love. Love is compassion and caring. It's happiness, joy and dreams. It's inner peace, zen, kindness, authenticity and goodness. It's light, uplifting and enriching. It's to love and be loved. It's passion and inspirational actions. It's having faith in yourself and others. It's listening, giving advice, a hug or a kiss. It's offering a helping hand, a smile or a warming look. It's tolerance, understanding, appreciation and acceptance. It's optimism and seeing the good that resides within each and every one of us. It's support, honesty and loyalty. Love exists where there is absence from fear, ego, hatred, bitterness, jealousy and possessiveness. Absence from curses, prejudices and criticism. Absence from bullying, racism and ostracism. It's also absence from expectations, judgements and demands, but spirituality is full of hope and wishes. Love is in its entire purity good intentions without hidden agendas. So again, what is spirituality to me? It's the journey of becoming and being only love. It's the knowledge that the recipe for the optimal life for myself is only where I distance myself from everything that does not come from the ripple effects mentioned above. Spirituality is love. Spirituality is beautiful. It's greatness. A spiritual journey is a wonderful, but a demanding journey. A journey to pick yourself apart and get rid of all the negative. Piece by piece. It's to break destructive patterns, blockages and overbearing thought processes. It's not an easy journey, but the prize is the absolute best version of you, for yourself, for every one else and everything in the universe.

May you find that love, not only around you, but most importantly; inside of you. What I've come to realize is that the love I attract in my life vibrates at the same frequency as the love inside me. My life is an echo of what I radiate. As long as I radiate the love I wish to attract, that's exactly what I get. Now that's something I believe and know to be true. Am living proof that life is like a magnet. What you give is what you get.  

 
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Don't take her for granted

Our bedroom. Two voices. I knocked..

Strangers. Friends. Best friends. Lovers. Suddenly strangers again. I met my soul mate. She didn't. No return policy on the ring. Rumors say I didn't love you. I did. I do. I always will.  

Chattered soul. Tears like barbed wire. The sound of sorrow. Taste of anxiety. Sight of loneliness. Felling empty.

Mind explosions. Visions of the two of you. Get out of my head! Unthinkable. I thought we were inseparable. Welcome to the fault of my heartbreak.

I was a beautiful day, mid June. She looked as beautiful as ever. Her shiny blond hair fell perfectly effortless over her forehead as she turned to me. Her smile. Oh, her smile. Teeth like pearls on a row. Double dimple chins. Porcelain skin. Hourglass-shaped body. Clear eyes with colors of a beautiful bursting green galaxy. Vibrant. Charismatic. Artistic personality traits. Creative to the core. As exciting as exploring. As complex as a paradox. She was the one. The one I never dared to dream of. The one I didn't believe to exist. But she was real. My best friend. My team mate. My biggest fan. Hundred cheerleaders in one. She saw me. She heard me. Listened with attention. She never complained. Except that I didn't really see her anymore. That I took her for granted. She was right. I didn't see her. Until another man took her. While I was looking right through her, another man was looking right at her.

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Now I'm looking at her with the exact same eyes, but I see her differently.  I say she broke my heart, but did she? No. I broke my heart. Me not listening. Me taking her for granted. Me not attentive enough. Me not affectionate enough. Me not complimenting her. Me not seeing her. Me not bringing her flowers. Me rushing to the office when she made breakfast for the two of us. Me not noticing her new hair cut. Me not bragging about her. Me not prioritizing her few whishes. Me not choosing her before anything else. Me not cooking her dinner. Me not surprising her. Me not excited about what she was doing. Me not telling her how amazing she is. Me not making love to her. Me not hugging her every day. Me not sending random flirty e-mails during the week. Me not touching her. Me not showing her how irresistible she actually is. Me not taking her on dates. Me not showing her off. It's me. I broke my own heart. She did all of the above, constantly. How could she give so much of herself only for me to gain, without me giving? Because that's the kind of woman she is.

A man, I don't know his name. I don't want to know. I'm sure this man is buying her roses right now. He will tell her how pretty she looks today. He will pull her hair behind her ear, kiss her on her cheek and say he missed her during the day. He will lift her on the kitchen counter and prove to her how irresistible she is, making love to her right then and there. He will wake up early this weekend and bring two cups of coffee to the bedroom to spend quality time together before the day starts. He will invite her to take a shower with him. He will caress every inch of her body with bubbly soap and take a little foam from his fingertip and place in on the tip of her nose making her laugh. Making her feel girly. Making her feel safe. He will tell her how he's the luckiest man in the world and she will follow with why she's the luckiest woman. He will surprise her by taking her to a place she's never been before but said she wished to see. He notices the little things. Because that's what she always does. She listens. He will want to give what he gets. He will be what I never managed to be. He will be a giver as he receives. He will always put her first. She will always put him first. She gives it all. She'll always be his backbone as she was to me. She'll always give him a better night after a rough day. She will massage him to release his tension. And he will massage her feet after walking around in her pretty high heels all day. She will always manage to be whatever it is he lacks. When he lacks motivation, she will inspire him. If they have a setback, she will provide for a major comeback. He will treat her as his queen because she treats her man like a king. He will study her artwork and cheer for her. Something I never did. He will be her everything. He will be the one to see everything I see now. He will be the one to say everything I wish I said. He will be the one to do everything I wish I did. He will be the one to hug her back to happiness when she's upset not saying a word, knowing her silence says more than her words. Because where I looked right through her, he looks right at her. He will be the one.

But she cheated? Yes, but I understand why. We gave each other several promises, she broke one, I broke almost each and every one of them. 

We take our partners for granted. We are so used to waking up tomorrow noticing everything is right where we left it yesterday. Don't mistake people for beings things. The things will never move, but people will. And there will always be someone standing right behind you, seeing who's right in front of you, whom you only look at.

 
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