Arguing isn't communication, it's noise. 

Why do we fight? Why do we use our energy on something so destructive? It's said it's healthy to fight. No. It's not healthy to fight. Communication is healthy. People say they feel closer to their partner after resolving a fight. But ask yourself; is the fight that makes you feel closer to your partner? Or is it that you finally got to express your feelings and you communicated your way to resolving the issue that makes you feel closer to you partner? Communication is the key to success in every relationship, friendship and work relations.

There's one major key to fight less and communicate more.
Think about this for a second;
If you always explain why you react to something, rather than staying silent in your hurt feelings or anger, you will open up conversations where you communicate without arguments because explanations make people understand. It might be a heated discussion, but if you communicate well, which demands both listening and telling, everything is usually resolved within minutes.

My boyfriend stopped kissing me every time we kissed one day. I noticed it, but didn't say anything. Every time he did this my emotions grew stronger in ways reminding me of rejection. That night when we kissed again, he stopped me once more. I was filled the usual thoughts you get when you feel rejected. So I closed myself off and stayed silent in my own emotions to protect myself from further rejections, which is a natural reaction. He knew something was up so he asked me if something was wrong. I said no. Silly me.  This continued for about an hour not realizing my bitter behavior bothered him more than me just admitting my issue. He refused to give up on the conversation. He didn't understand why I was acting that way and not understanding something can be really frustrating, so he basically forced me to talk to him about what was going on. And oh, am I glad he did. And I'm so grateful to have a man who does not run away from situations like that. It would just magnify the issue and would pour fuel to me feeling rejected. I think I learned more about communication during the short following conversation than I have our entire relationship.

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So I finally told him:
"I feel sad and rejected because every time I've kissed you today, you've stopped me."
His answer was:
"Honey, it's because my nose is all stuffy. I can't breathe when we kiss longer than I can hold my breath. You know I've got the flue? And you know better than thinking I would ever reject you. I never want to stop kissing you."


So there I was, feeling as needy and over-sensitive as ever. My feelings, even though a bit over-reactive, was as real as day to me because I am over-sensitive to rejection based on childhood experiences. Anyways, I just had to laugh at the whole thing. Seeing how my inner child reacted to kisses a few seconds shorter than usual increased my introspection more than I could imagine short kisses ever would. It showed me that I need to work even more on that inner child still suffering from abandonment and rejection. His way of comforting me in a situation where I felt ashamed of my reaction made me yet again realize how extremely lucky I am to have him. It was all a win-win-win-situation. So we laughed together, had a great, deep and vulnerable conversation and we kissed until he could no longer hold his breath. 

My point with saying this is that if I had just asked in the moment of reacting: "Why do you stop kissing me today?" I would have got my answer and I wouldn't have spent an hour feeling sad thinking he was rejecting me. I wouldn't even have spent a minutes. I would have saved myself from hours of feeling rejected and would have saved him from exhausting himself to get me to talk. Such a small thing, but such a big lesson!

What I've learned from this is that a great amount of hurt feelings are purely a misunderstanding. We usually interpret an incident or situation in the worst possible way, only to find out later that our conclusion was nothing even close to what this situation was really about. So again:
If you always explain why you react to something, rather than staying silent in your hurt feelings or anger, you will open up conversations where you communicate without arguments because explanations make people understand. It might be a heated discussion, but if you communicate well, which demands both listening and telling, everything is usually resolved within minutes.

Talk to each other. Be vulnerable and honest about who you are, why you react to different things and why you sometimes lose your balance. Losing balance in yourself is part of finding the balance in the relationship. You are two completely different human beings, with completely different backgrounds, different trigger points, reaction patterns and communications skills. Teach each other to know each other through communicating everything you feel, good and bad. BUT, there is a huge BUT, always make sure that when you do communicate your feelings, be certain that what you communicate is exactly how you feel.

Always boil it down to the root. Why do you feel the way you do? What has happened? And tell the truth. Always speak your truth. If your partner can't handle your truth, doesn't respect your truth, your insecurities or your vulnerability, ask yourself if your partner deserves the best of you. This is important, because it's when you open up and acknowledge your issues that you actually grow and get to know yourself better. Just like I did. It is essential to your relationship to yourself and to the relationship with your partner. No one is perfect so don't try to be. Putting your emotions, needs and wishes aside to benefit another is not the equivalent of being a good partner. Quite the opposite if you ask me. Because it's only when you're true to yourself and honest with yourself that you will be completely true and honest with your partner, which is a key factor i trust, loyalty and dependability. I do not believe that a relationship with the lack of true and honest conversations will last as long as you might want it to.

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