September 2017

This is love!

This is my first text about finding the love of my life. It's out there. It does exist. He is real. 

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It all started with a blissful light scream when I read his first message saying I'm the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. That joyful scream echoed in my mind for hours until I heard from him again. When we met it was love at first sight. I know it might sound crazy, but I fell in love with the illusion of who I thought he would be, before we met. My senses arose so instantly I could feel my soul sing the most harmonious melodies, even before I knew him. Or did I know him? How else could I know that I just knew right from the start that "this is it"? How could I be so certain? Did I love him in another lifetime and promised his soul I would find him again? That I would need 28 years, 4 months, 14 days, 20 hours and 10 minutes to prepare myself to open up to a love so strong words can't even begin to describe it. A love so powerful it stretches far beyond what is humanly possible to understand in this illusion of physical three-dimensional existence. A vibration and frequency so intense, so high, that for us to attract it into our lives we had to spend years, maybe lifetimes apart to enlighten it in ourselves to be able to receive it. From the bottom of the deepest corners of my soul, yes, I do believe so. What else could it be when he's so familiar to me? How can it be that as I'm spending more time with him it feels less like I'm getting to know him, but more so that I remember who he is. Every kiss and I love you, every whisper and every move he makes brings me closer to the conclusion that I've loved him before. In another place, in another body, in another existence, another dimension, in another life. Now and then when I look at him, I recognize him. Like a lovely Deja Vu awakening the awareness where my soul offers me the euphoric sensation that this is my destiny. A reminder that it was all preplanned. Like I've been there before. And I have. I know I have. It's like he's always existed in my sub-consciousness, unknowingly pulling me in directions that would lead me to him again. When I imagine us in my mind I see galaxies and starsystems bursting in flames. An explosion of love so unconditional I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that in him, I see not only my future, I see my inner pilot. A guidance so bright that I know without a doubt he is a part of the purpose my spiritual being, my soul, chose this human travel. When I look into his eyes I hear the archangels sing in gospel tunes: "Welcome home". To me, he is the purest form of perfection. I love that man so much it physically hurts sometimes. I'm so out of this world in love with everything about him. It's impossible to put into words the million things he doesn’t even know he’s doing that are making me love him more with every nanosecond flying by. I've never felt such a genuinely understanding and agreement between my heart, mind and soul. Like every part of my very being finally speaks the same language. The language of love singing that he is The One. I love him so deeply, so madly I've even questioned my own sanity. I've always said, if it's not crazy and passionate to the core, I don't want it. Him and I are all that. We're more than that. His craziness matches my craziness. His insanity matches mine. He fits me like a tailored glove. I crave him in ways I've never craved before. To me, his body is like a masterpiece designed and put together in such a way that when my eyes and fingertips embrace him, I surrender. I want him in ways reminding me of addiction. Every time he touch me I feel his force and power bring more fuel to the flame inside me burning for us. The souls in us were destined to touch. Across space, across time, along paths we could not predict but destined to go. What's meant to be will find its way. When we found each other, I found myself. The deepest, realest place within me also resides within him. My soul and his soul are one, split in two halves, burning individually and independently in both of us. Twin flames, reunited. I'm as grateful as I can be. I feel secure and safe with the knowledge that when this life is over I will find him again in another lifetime, in another world, in any version of reality. I will find him and I will choose him. I will love him unconditionally, over and over and over again. For all eternity I am him, he is me, we are one. Inseparable. Unbreakable. Indestructible. Unshakable. Irreplaceable. Untouchable. Inextinguishable. Undying. Unconditional everlasting love.

 
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Arguing isn't communication, it's noise. 

Why do we fight? Why do we use our energy on something so destructive? It's said it's healthy to fight. No. It's not healthy to fight. Communication is healthy. People say they feel closer to their partner after resolving a fight. But ask yourself; is the fight that makes you feel closer to your partner? Or is it that you finally got to express your feelings and you communicated your way to resolving the issue that makes you feel closer to you partner? Communication is the key to success in every relationship, friendship and work relations.

There's one major key to fight less and communicate more.
Think about this for a second;
If you always explain why you react to something, rather than staying silent in your hurt feelings or anger, you will open up conversations where you communicate without arguments because explanations make people understand. It might be a heated discussion, but if you communicate well, which demands both listening and telling, everything is usually resolved within minutes.

My boyfriend stopped kissing me every time we kissed one day. I noticed it, but didn't say anything. Every time he did this my emotions grew stronger in ways reminding me of rejection. That night when we kissed again, he stopped me once more. I was filled the usual thoughts you get when you feel rejected. So I closed myself off and stayed silent in my own emotions to protect myself from further rejections, which is a natural reaction. He knew something was up so he asked me if something was wrong. I said no. Silly me.  This continued for about an hour not realizing my bitter behavior bothered him more than me just admitting my issue. He refused to give up on the conversation. He didn't understand why I was acting that way and not understanding something can be really frustrating, so he basically forced me to talk to him about what was going on. And oh, am I glad he did. And I'm so grateful to have a man who does not run away from situations like that. It would just magnify the issue and would pour fuel to me feeling rejected. I think I learned more about communication during the short following conversation than I have our entire relationship.

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So I finally told him:
"I feel sad and rejected because every time I've kissed you today, you've stopped me."
His answer was:
"Honey, it's because my nose is all stuffy. I can't breathe when we kiss longer than I can hold my breath. You know I've got the flue? And you know better than thinking I would ever reject you. I never want to stop kissing you."


So there I was, feeling as needy and over-sensitive as ever. My feelings, even though a bit over-reactive, was as real as day to me because I am over-sensitive to rejection based on childhood experiences. Anyways, I just had to laugh at the whole thing. Seeing how my inner child reacted to kisses a few seconds shorter than usual increased my introspection more than I could imagine short kisses ever would. It showed me that I need to work even more on that inner child still suffering from abandonment and rejection. His way of comforting me in a situation where I felt ashamed of my reaction made me yet again realize how extremely lucky I am to have him. It was all a win-win-win-situation. So we laughed together, had a great, deep and vulnerable conversation and we kissed until he could no longer hold his breath. 

My point with saying this is that if I had just asked in the moment of reacting: "Why do you stop kissing me today?" I would have got my answer and I wouldn't have spent an hour feeling sad thinking he was rejecting me. I wouldn't even have spent a minutes. I would have saved myself from hours of feeling rejected and would have saved him from exhausting himself to get me to talk. Such a small thing, but such a big lesson!

What I've learned from this is that a great amount of hurt feelings are purely a misunderstanding. We usually interpret an incident or situation in the worst possible way, only to find out later that our conclusion was nothing even close to what this situation was really about. So again:
If you always explain why you react to something, rather than staying silent in your hurt feelings or anger, you will open up conversations where you communicate without arguments because explanations make people understand. It might be a heated discussion, but if you communicate well, which demands both listening and telling, everything is usually resolved within minutes.

Talk to each other. Be vulnerable and honest about who you are, why you react to different things and why you sometimes lose your balance. Losing balance in yourself is part of finding the balance in the relationship. You are two completely different human beings, with completely different backgrounds, different trigger points, reaction patterns and communications skills. Teach each other to know each other through communicating everything you feel, good and bad. BUT, there is a huge BUT, always make sure that when you do communicate your feelings, be certain that what you communicate is exactly how you feel.

Always boil it down to the root. Why do you feel the way you do? What has happened? And tell the truth. Always speak your truth. If your partner can't handle your truth, doesn't respect your truth, your insecurities or your vulnerability, ask yourself if your partner deserves the best of you. This is important, because it's when you open up and acknowledge your issues that you actually grow and get to know yourself better. Just like I did. It is essential to your relationship to yourself and to the relationship with your partner. No one is perfect so don't try to be. Putting your emotions, needs and wishes aside to benefit another is not the equivalent of being a good partner. Quite the opposite if you ask me. Because it's only when you're true to yourself and honest with yourself that you will be completely true and honest with your partner, which is a key factor i trust, loyalty and dependability. I do not believe that a relationship with the lack of true and honest conversations will last as long as you might want it to.

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Spirituality & Religion

I remember I could stare at the night sky for hours. I still can. The stars felt and still feel like home. I would lose track of time and disappear into what felt like a blissful eternity where nothing and everything existed all at once. I often asked myself why I was so madly in love with the sky. What was the deep connection I felt in my heart to whatever was up there? I didn't know at the time. The only thing I could associate the sky with, was God. For a period of time, I would say a year; I genuinely thought I had found God. I went to church by my self and wholeheartedly read the Bible. I was 14 at the time. But something happened. I read the Bible, loyally went to church and talked to religious leaders and people from the Christian community, but something felt very wrong.

I've always been a stubborn girl wanting to figure things out on my own and do it myself. In Christianity I felt somewhat robbed from that. I didn't feel it was enough room and flexibility for me to interpret my connection to the sky and the universe in any other way then what was written in the Bible. I started thinking thoughts like; do these people believe this because they've been told to believe it, taught to believe it? As a young teenager I would question everything with a big question mark. I was a curious little philosopher so I asked my self; would they really believe exactly what they believe today if nobody ever taught them to believe it? The follow-up question was; what do I really believe if I eliminate everything I've ever heard or read? What do I believe if I chose not to listen to anyone but myself? - I didn't have the answer, but I had a feeling religion was not my own way. It was someone else’s way, teaching me to wander in their direction. Well, as I mentioned, I was a stubborn young girl who did not settle for less then what made perfect sense to me, so I closed the Bible. I would only settle for a belief system I created myself where I found my own way and a truth that was my truth. And so it began.. My spiritual journey. 

I rarely go by the book. I didn't want a recipe written in stone on what to believe or why I should believe it. That wasn't what I was looking for. Yes, I was looking for answers, but answers to guide me in directions leading me to my own answers, not someone else's. Along the way I read a book by Deepak Chopra and as I Googled him a quote appeared which validated and put words to why I wasn't feeling connected to a set religion.

"Religion is belief in someone else's experience.
Spirituality is having your own experience."
- Deepak Chopra

So I looked into that and really chewed on that piece of information for quite some time. I actually still do. What I learned growing up is that every belief in religion, is a personal belief. They find their own way and their own truth based on the religion, which also makes their religious belief their own spiritual experience. This makes religion a great introduction to their own spirituality, as it was for me. So religion offers both and in that way I somehow disagree with Deepak Chopra, but I understand his point of view. The only difference is that some continue their spiritual journey within the religion and some don't. I'm one of those who didn't, but I see how religion, even though I didn't see it then, did lead me further on my way to my spiritual experience and journey.

As I was learning, growing, thinking, feeling, changing, I found that for me, it's all about the love. Love is actually what I believe in. Love is all I need. All I want. Wherever there's love, that's where I want to be. Who ever teaches love, is someone I would like to learn from. Who ever writes about love publish books I want to read. And whoever consists of purely unconditional love, is someone I want to follow. I distance myself from everything that is not love or a ripple effect from love. I've gathered a lot of messy thoughts and feelings and put them all in order and systems for me to understand them. And every time I do that, it all boils down to love. It's all about the love.

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What my religious leaders forgot to teach me in the clutter of trying to convince me to just believe and have faith in God, was the basic fundamental values of Christianity; the love.

That God loves all, unconditionally. I realized this after expanding my awareness, knowledge, conciseness and after opening the Bible again. That God and the energy I believe in are the same; we just call it different names.

So what is love? Love to me, is me having that experience Deepak Chopra wrote about in his quote; my own experience and my own interpretation of the connection to what I can't see, but know is there. Because of that, that love is my spirituality, then spirituality to me, is love. Spirituality is love. And religion is love. It goes hand in hand. We do somehow, on some fundamental level, believe in the exact same thing, we just interpret it differently and name it differently. We're not that different, as a matter of fact, we're not different at all. It all boils down to the belief in the highest power of love energy. A force, a creator, a spirit, a purpose, a soul, destiny, strength and faith in this power and that we all come from the same energy within this high power. No one less than others. No one greater than another. No one more worthy of love than anyone else. No one more important than the other. No purpose greater or smaller than another. We're all different with individual purposes created by the same force. So if everyone is here with each a purpose not greater than anyone else's, who are we to judge where they are on their journey towards that purpose?

There is no right or wrong definition to spirituality as spirituality is different for everyone. There are some common themes associated in the definition of spirituality, but just as I found my own definition for myself, I would advice anyone to do the same. Finding their own truth. Whatever feels right for you is right for you. My truth isn't always your truth or the other way around. But I would like to share with you my interpretation and definition of spirituality and how I see it, how I live it and how it has changed my life to be nothing but a loving and positive focus on the greatest gift of all, life.

Spirituality to me is love. Spirituality is to distance myself from everything that's not love. Love is more than a collective term for family, partner/spouse or being in love. Love is compassion and caring. It's happiness, joy and dreams. It's inner peace, zen, kindness, authenticity and goodness. It's light, uplifting and enriching. It's to love and be loved. It's passion and inspirational actions. It's having faith in yourself and others. It's listening, giving advice, a hug or a kiss. It's offering a helping hand, a smile or a warming look. It's tolerance, understanding, appreciation and acceptance. It's optimism and seeing the good that resides within each and every one of us. It's support, honesty and loyalty. Love exists where there is absence from fear, ego, hatred, bitterness, jealousy and possessiveness. Absence from curses, prejudices and criticism. Absence from bullying, racism and ostracism. It's also absence from expectations, judgements and demands, but spirituality is full of hope and wishes. Love is in its entire purity good intentions without hidden agendas. So again, what is spirituality to me? It's the journey of becoming and being only love. It's the knowledge that the recipe for the optimal life for myself is only where I distance myself from everything that does not come from the ripple effects mentioned above. Spirituality is love. Spirituality is beautiful. It's greatness. A spiritual journey is a wonderful, but a demanding journey. A journey to pick yourself apart and get rid of all the negative. Piece by piece. It's to break destructive patterns, blockages and overbearing thought processes. It's not an easy journey, but the prize is the absolute best version of you, for yourself, for every one else and everything in the universe.

May you find that love, not only around you, but most importantly; inside of you. What I've come to realize is that the love I attract in my life vibrates at the same frequency as the love inside me. My life is an echo of what I radiate. As long as I radiate the love I wish to attract, that's exactly what I get. Now that's something I believe and know to be true. Am living proof that life is like a magnet. What you give is what you get.  

 
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Don't take her for granted

Our bedroom. Two voices. I knocked..

Strangers. Friends. Best friends. Lovers. Suddenly strangers again. I met my soul mate. She didn't. No return policy on the ring. Rumors say I didn't love you. I did. I do. I always will.  

Chattered soul. Tears like barbed wire. The sound of sorrow. Taste of anxiety. Sight of loneliness. Felling empty.

Mind explosions. Visions of the two of you. Get out of my head! Unthinkable. I thought we were inseparable. Welcome to the fault of my heartbreak.

I was a beautiful day, mid June. She looked as beautiful as ever. Her shiny blond hair fell perfectly effortless over her forehead as she turned to me. Her smile. Oh, her smile. Teeth like pearls on a row. Double dimple chins. Porcelain skin. Hourglass-shaped body. Clear eyes with colors of a beautiful bursting green galaxy. Vibrant. Charismatic. Artistic personality traits. Creative to the core. As exciting as exploring. As complex as a paradox. She was the one. The one I never dared to dream of. The one I didn't believe to exist. But she was real. My best friend. My team mate. My biggest fan. Hundred cheerleaders in one. She saw me. She heard me. Listened with attention. She never complained. Except that I didn't really see her anymore. That I took her for granted. She was right. I didn't see her. Until another man took her. While I was looking right through her, another man was looking right at her.

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Now I'm looking at her with the exact same eyes, but I see her differently.  I say she broke my heart, but did she? No. I broke my heart. Me not listening. Me taking her for granted. Me not attentive enough. Me not affectionate enough. Me not complimenting her. Me not seeing her. Me not bringing her flowers. Me rushing to the office when she made breakfast for the two of us. Me not noticing her new hair cut. Me not bragging about her. Me not prioritizing her few whishes. Me not choosing her before anything else. Me not cooking her dinner. Me not surprising her. Me not excited about what she was doing. Me not telling her how amazing she is. Me not making love to her. Me not hugging her every day. Me not sending random flirty e-mails during the week. Me not touching her. Me not showing her how irresistible she actually is. Me not taking her on dates. Me not showing her off. It's me. I broke my own heart. She did all of the above, constantly. How could she give so much of herself only for me to gain, without me giving? Because that's the kind of woman she is.

A man, I don't know his name. I don't want to know. I'm sure this man is buying her roses right now. He will tell her how pretty she looks today. He will pull her hair behind her ear, kiss her on her cheek and say he missed her during the day. He will lift her on the kitchen counter and prove to her how irresistible she is, making love to her right then and there. He will wake up early this weekend and bring two cups of coffee to the bedroom to spend quality time together before the day starts. He will invite her to take a shower with him. He will caress every inch of her body with bubbly soap and take a little foam from his fingertip and place in on the tip of her nose making her laugh. Making her feel girly. Making her feel safe. He will tell her how he's the luckiest man in the world and she will follow with why she's the luckiest woman. He will surprise her by taking her to a place she's never been before but said she wished to see. He notices the little things. Because that's what she always does. She listens. He will want to give what he gets. He will be what I never managed to be. He will be a giver as he receives. He will always put her first. She will always put him first. She gives it all. She'll always be his backbone as she was to me. She'll always give him a better night after a rough day. She will massage him to release his tension. And he will massage her feet after walking around in her pretty high heels all day. She will always manage to be whatever it is he lacks. When he lacks motivation, she will inspire him. If they have a setback, she will provide for a major comeback. He will treat her as his queen because she treats her man like a king. He will study her artwork and cheer for her. Something I never did. He will be her everything. He will be the one to see everything I see now. He will be the one to say everything I wish I said. He will be the one to do everything I wish I did. He will be the one to hug her back to happiness when she's upset not saying a word, knowing her silence says more than her words. Because where I looked right through her, he looks right at her. He will be the one.

But she cheated? Yes, but I understand why. We gave each other several promises, she broke one, I broke almost each and every one of them. 

We take our partners for granted. We are so used to waking up tomorrow noticing everything is right where we left it yesterday. Don't mistake people for beings things. The things will never move, but people will. And there will always be someone standing right behind you, seeing who's right in front of you, whom you only look at.

 
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